Life has been too busy and complicated to write about lately. Have I been wanting to blog what's going on? Sure. But there's too many others involved, and when I write, I tend to say more than I probably should.
It occurred to me a few weeks ago that my life is as close as possible to how I dreamed it should be. I had this idea of how I wanted things to be back when I was in high school. It was a fairly simplistic image, but I was just a farm girl, so my imagination was a bit limited. I wanted to live in a big city, in a fabulous loft. I even imagined one that looks very similar to the one I'm living in now, all concrete and stainless steel with huge floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city skyline. I wanted to have a closet full of great clothes and shoes. I wanted to be able to go shopping at expensive stores and induldge myself. I saw myself having a job with coworkers that I respected and loved. I wanted people to notice me. I wanted to be comfortable with myself, and I wanted to actually like my body. The one part of my life I never really thought about - and maybe I should have - was the boys part.
I don't really know what I want anymore. Actually, no, I do know what I want; I don't know if anyone can give it to me. When will I find a guy that can make me stay? It always starts out so well, but I end up being the one in control, and we all can see the pattern now as to how that one ends. The past 3 months were a bit eye-opening, to say the least. It didn't work out. Now, Mike decided to fight for me...and I'm lost. How do you change the way you look at someone? If you go through 2 years of a relationship thinking a certain way of a person, how can you just make yourself view them differently? I can't find a way, and I'm trying. Desperately lost.
At least work is doing its part to keep me busy. I was mostly working from home, and that was getting kind of boring, even if it was helping my back immensely. My boss decided he didn't want to be my boss anymore, so he demoted himself to developer, and the CTO took over. My work-from-home rights were completely revoked. Then the shit hit the fan with a company we are partnering with, and I made the mistake of stepping up, so it's all on me. I'm a project manager now, although I'm supposedly still a developer. I haven't had time to write a single line of code in the past 2 weeks. I've been too busy trying to explain to this company why their SNMP implimentation just ain't gonna cut it. More on that some other time. The CTO managed to completely disregard all the work I've done for this company, claiming I have to "earn" working from home. Apparently, sleeping 4 hours a week so I can meet the asinine deadlines set by upper management doesn't count for much. This is the third time I've been hit with retarded "omg now now now now" projects here. I didn't mind so much until last week. After that drama, I'm just pissed.
This weekend is a weekend of leather and corsets. I need to get out.
