October 2005 Archives

Anastacia rocks. It's great music to listen to when in a furious rage because of a bad relationship.

I've done my best to avoid conflict during this whole thing. I've not even really been home in the past 10 days. It was too difficult. When I was there, Mike kept wanting to cuddle and hold me, and that's not what he should be doing. If I said no, he'd get a hurt look on his face, so it was just easier to avoid the situation entirely. I thought he'd appreciate my effort of trying to make things easier on both of us. Google Boy has been kind enough to let me crash at his place, so I've been living on his couch like a bum. It doesn't help that Mike took my last paycheck from me and didn't give me a dime of it. So, whatever. What was I supposed to do? Let the rumors run rampant. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.

He's been causing more and more shit for me over the past week. He's been calling my work screaming and threatening, and it's gotten to the point at which a restraining order is becoming a strong possibility. I don't understand how he could be like this. He's even called me telling me stories about how "our friends on IRC" are telling him all sorts of shit, and asking what is going on between Google Boy and myself. He's actually upset about what people on IRC are saying, and trying to use it against me. What the fuck? Who cares, it's IRC. Seriously, what's the big deal? We don't even have any mutual "friends" on IRC. He's probably talking about the idiotic fuckheads in #atlrave.

Let's see, on the top of my list of incompetent morons in #atlrave, there's good 'ol dahila, who apparently works in my office complex. I had no idea of this until last night, when Google Boy joined the channel and saw the topic was set to her talking about seeing me. Something about a moody looking chick with an ipod and idiotic red hair. Heh. I'm not moody, I'm happy - unless I'm dealing with Mike. She's probably just jealous, as she weighs 300+ lbs and I've got a 27" waist. Put down the twinkies, and maybe you'll lose some weight, ktnx. It really kind of bothers me that she'd be talking shit unprovoked, because I've met her once or twice before, and she seemed nice enough. Kind of lacking on the intelligence bit, but nice. I didn't like her much from what I knew of her on IRC, but I gave her a chance and thought things were going OK. I think it's a bit rude that she'd be talking shit now (and not even to my face), but if that's her prerogative, who am I to argue? I've never met someone IRL that I knew off IRC and had them dislike me that much, so it's a first.

(Also, I love my hair. I am a rock star.)

This provoked so much drama, all of which I was trying to avoid. Mike is telling everyone that I just won't leave him alone. He's got some sort of fucked up reality. Someone told me it was because he was hurt, since I dumped him and not the other way around. I really don't care anymore who dumped who. After all of the abuse I suffered, he had to have seen this coming. It just took me seeing Michelle getting beat by her husband that made me realize what was going on in my own life. He can't play the angel in this forever. I kept fairly quiet about all of what was really going on between us, simply because I didn't want to deal with the humiliation of others knowing that I sat through it. This is too much, though, and he's gone too far. The fact of the matter is that he was abusive. Not physically, but verbally - which can be even worse. I would have rather suffered a punch to the face than most of the words he said to me. My friends didn't even recognize the person I'd become. I was scared. I cried a lot. I didn't even try standing up for myself anymore. Every night ended with me in the corner curled in a ball, crying while he stood over me throwing words so ugly they'd even make me feel sick if I repeated them. The more he saw me break, the harder he'd push.

When I ended it, I didn't want anything from him. I wanted my stuff, and that was it. He could keep all of the things we'd accumulated during our relationship. I didn't want the furniture, I didn't want any of the kitchen things, I just wanted him gone from my life. I didn't want to be around him anymore, I just wanted all of the stress to stop. He's the only person I've ever met that had the ability to make me hate myself so much. After all of this, I'm not afraid of him anymore. I'm pissed. I'm really fucking furious.

He's calling my friends, all of whom refuse to answer the phone when they see it's him. It's funny how now everyone keeps telling me they never liked him, but they were afraid to tell me before. Wtf? He always seemed like a good person to me, so I wish they had said something, even though I probably would have ignored them. He's calling my work, and it's so bad that there's now an order out to call the police should anyone see him near the premises without me alerting them he's going to be there. He's trying to fuck me over by refusing to pay any of the money he owes on one of our debts. He took my last paycheck from me, and left town without giving me a dime of it. He actually had the nerve to IM me this morning telling me he needed to talk to me this weekend so I could pay my half of the bills. I just about fell out of my chair, I laughed so hard.

So yeah, Mike. I'm taking half the shit. I was going to play nice and walk away. I was going to let you have everything, because you seemed to think it was owed to you. I'm sorry, but too bad. I'm taking half of everything, and that doesn't even begin to cover what I think you owe me. I'm not giving you a dime of my next paycheck. You don't owe anything on the debt, because I've got other ways of getting that out of you. You should have thought first before you went fucking insane. Oh yeah, and I'm moving out this weekend. Have fun paying next months rent by yourself.

pwned. <3

<root> i want an account
<root> you nuked it i think
<sektie> was simply cleanup. and i didn't want so many people i didn't really trust on my box.
<sektie> i only let people on my box if i'd trust them to see me naked.
<sektie> because its' about the same thing
<root> naked eh?
<root> ... [ghetto] [ghetto@freebsdgirl.com] has joined #atlrave
>>> sektie shrugs
<sektie> i trust him
<sektie> doesn't mean he's seen me naked.
<root> he'd rape you, all you'd have to do is take off my glasses :P
<sektie> hahaha
<sektie> he's a big guy. he can throw me up in the air. either that, or i just got tiny. i'm not sure which.
<root> nods
<sektie> so yeah, he is doubtless stronger than me and thus could rape me. but i have vaginateeth.
<root> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
<root> vagina teeth
<root> jesus christ
<root> give me a shell plz and that will be my ircname variable

I have to run Windows. It's on my work laptop, it's only for World of Warcraft, because there's no way to run it in FreeBSD and get the same performance I can get when I'm running it in Windows directly. I'm a FPS junkie - if I'm getting below 30fps in Ironforge, I can't deal.

I installed cygwin yesterday, despite my reservations. I remember using it when it first came out and thinking "god, this thing is a beast"...but yesterday, I realized, so's my laptop. I installed it, started playing with it. The lack of a real package management system (besides the setup.exe) was kind of annoying, so I started looking around and found out that I could use portage on win32 (download). Heh. I feel horrid enough that I run windows. Running something linux-based on top of it can't make me feel much worse. Then Google Boy started talking about alpha-blended transparency, and I figured it'd be totally 'leet' if I could get that working under the xorg port that cygwin uses. I stumbled across Glass2k, which is totally neat. Check it out if you use windows. Also, I found the command 'netsh', which I think is installed by default on Windows - should be in windows/system32/. Very cool, and much less annoying/limiting than ipconfig.

randi: there was a forum posting focusing ENTIRELY on my technical knowledge.
randi: the general consensus was that i don't know anything, i plagiarize, and i have no creativity. fat and ugly, i'm used to. this? i'm not sure what to think about it. I've never been accused of any of those things before. hrm.
randi: i guess it means they don't think i'm fat and ugly anymore.
Jason: HAHAHAHA

The past few days have been better. Mike and I don't like fighting, that much is obvious. Both of us still care quite a bit for each other, but it's difficult to be around each other. I guess it's supposed to be. Lately I've been hanging out a lot with a person to hereby be referred to as "Google Boy", as he works for Google. He's someone I met before but never really had a chance to talk to much. I had to get out of the house, and we ended up going out for a drink and totally geeking out. He's a gamer nerd of a different type, but he still understands the underlying principles behind WoW and what makes it The Best MMORPG Evar, so that's got to count for something. We talked for hours about everything from WardenClient theory and implimentation to physics. It's so rare to find someone that manages to keep up. He even told me a few things I hadn't heard of before. We watched South Park and had random "me too" moments as I worked on finishing up the perl module I'd been working on for the past few weeks for my employer. He gave me 10 geek points for falling asleep curled around my laptop. I felt horrid, as I consider it rude to fall asleep during an attempt at socializing, but I was just so tired. I wonder how many geek points I have altogether. We need a system for such things.

I'm happy, I'm better than anyone ever expected me to be. Everyone at work has commented on how I look and act totally different. They didn't know why, as not everyone there knows who I am, and I kept quiet about things. I don't want condolences, or the typical "oh, that sucks, guys are assholes" commentary. I'm the type of person that hates talking to their significant other on the phone when coworkers are standing around. Despite the pieces of my life that are made public here, I don't feel comfortable discussing it elsewhere. Weird, eh?

I noticed hits are going back up after a drop from when I stopped posting so often. It's doubtless due to the trainwreck that everyone is assuming they are going to see when they read. Hm. I guess it isn't boring. It's a shame I can't post everything, but I some things would potentially be damaging to the other parties involved, so I keep quiet. I've got some good stories, though. :)

People are talking about me. Again. I went through new links to me for this month. So far, I've been linked to in a number of forums, including Fucked Company and Dark Forums. Both kind of surprised me. I thought I'd pretty much fallen off the radar of the idiots, and I'd rather it stay that way, but I suppose with the growth in viewers, I should have expected it. Dark Forums amazed me, especially. Hm. No technical creativity, eh? Well, it's a shame I've signed an NDA for every company I've worked for, and I actually honor it, unlike him-who-shalt-not-be-named. Oh well. Usually, I pay no attention to such trolls. It's not worth it to respond. It just surprised me so much. They have a point, but not for the reasons they'd think. I guess I don't talk about the things I'm working on here, anymore. It's more a vent for my personal life, a way to purge. It's a reality check of sorts. I did post a few How-To's from a while back, some of which were original material, others were information I'd found various places, sources always credited somewhere or the other. I just gave up on talking about anything geek with anyone, and I didn't think about discussing it on the blog. Perhaps I should. I lost much motivation, especially after I didn't have anyone I could use to bounce ideas around. I love geeking out. It's my favorite thing in the world. Coming to this company helped - Robert knows a fuckload. He's one of the only people I've ever worked with that I could learn something from. He stuck me with some easy stuff to do when I first got here, but now he's started talking to me about the whackass problems he's having. He's the one that involved me in the failover project. The one I spent nearly 36 hours straight at work for, slowly going insane at the level of shit I had to wade through in the horrible linux-ha documentation. Seriously, someone needs to clean that up. Half of it applies to heartbeat1.x, the other half is heartbeat 2.x - and you're lucky if whatever page on the wiki you're looking at mentions what version of heartbeat it applies to. There are important functions that are undocumented, except for in the mailing list. Important configuration details that, if not included, can break a good deal of thing provided your failover uses UDP. It's a great software package, but seriously guys, what the fuck? I don't care if you can code like you've got the Golden Hands of CodeMonkey (+8 int, BoP), documentation is key to making a good product. The wiki sucks. But yeah, anyways, this is why I stay away from other peoples code and politics. I get angry when I deal with incompetence. Such is life. At least Fucked Company mentioned I was fat. I know how to deal with rude comments about my appearance - I've just not had to deal with them when it comes to my technical background. Weird.

Speaking of which, here's something annoying. OpenBSD's new(ish) pkg tools were reworked from the ground up, ditching FreeBSD's code and using perl. This was done a while back, to the best of my knowledge. So I had to modify and add a package, not a huge deal. As opposed to using the tools, it's generally faster for me to just create the +CONTENTS file and tgz the package by hand. I've done this a million times before on older versions of OpenBSD, so I spent a good 10 fucking minutes trying to figure out why OpenBSD was being gay. Before, it was considered acceptable to tar up a structure with tar -cf yourpkg.tar *. Now, it flips out if it sees a directory in the tar table. Only files are included. Example:

theosucks# tar -zvtf p5-File-Tail-0.98.tgz
-rw-r--r-- 1 root wheel 970 Mar 9 2005 +CONTENTS
-rw-r--r-- 1 root wheel 52 Mar 9 2005 +COMMENT
-rw-r--r-- 1 root wheel 533 Mar 9 2005 +DESC
-r--r--r-- 1 root wheel 22885 Mar 9 2005 libdata/perl5/site_perl/File/Tail.pm
-r--r--r-- 1 root wheel 88 Mar 9 2005 libdata/perl5/site_perl/auto/File/Tail/autosplit.ix
-r--r--r-- 1 root wheel 13320 Mar 9 2005 man/man3p/File::Tail.3p

It's prettier, I guess. I have to wonder why they would write their pkg tools to break if this isn't followed, though. I guess they want everyone to use the pkg tools to create packages. Blah, takes too long. My days are plagued with little annoyances such as this. I'd rather bitch about boys and money. The rest is just upsetting to the point of being boring and obvious.

I did get to show my boss the project I'd been working on for the past few weeks, today. It's coming along quite nicely. Getting out of the sysadmin mindset is going to take a while. I totally blame 90% of the bad work ethics so prevalent in the IT industry on the Systems Administrator Mentality. Sit around, play WoW, work on your own projects - until shit breaks. Then all hell breaks loose, and you spend the next 48 hours straight at work surviving off Cherry Coke and skittles. I hate Coke products, so it barely evens out. Now, I'm busy most of the time. Until 12:48 PM exactly, I really can't do much but sit and stare like a zombie at my LCD. Mornings do not work with me. I end up getting the majority of my work done after 6 PM, as that's when the adrenaline kicks in. I'm lucky my boss is so understanding. I'm really working to get to whatever I think a developers mindset is supposed to be - and that's still up in the air. It's just more different than I expected, although I'm not complaining necessarily. Career changes make work interesting. This is the first job that has given me reason to look forward to going to work in the morning. I'm not the only female here, as well. There's another, and I thought she was a developer, but it turns out she's sort of between development and QA. Cool chick, older, has kids. Very...sane up here...compared to the department I was working in before. I miss them. Threating to nail penises to boards and debating if 'peener' was indeed a real word added fun to the day. Everyone up here is so quiet and subdued.

Suddenly it appears everyone seems to think I'm a mirror of the WoW patch, as I got about 30 IM's from random people on patch day. I didn't have the patch yet, sorry ya'll. I'm proud to say I haven't played WoW in 2 days, except when I logged on for 5 minutes to make sure the 1.8 patch hadn't done any obvious breaking of the UI mods I'd been working on. I blame that on Google Boy. More doctors appointments coming up. X-rays, blood work, more fun. Tired. I am just the funding for the boob job they are buying their wife. Or mistress, depending on how long I've been visiting said doctor. This one is new. Maybe he's different. Maybe he'll figure it out. I'm glad I went permanent and got health insurance, as this is all about to get very, very expensive.

Also, as seen in comments, my phone is off. To find me, catch me on AIM, although it may be a bit before I answer. My sidekick2 had some kind of weird electrical problem, so I've been waiting for 2 weeks for T-Mobile to send me a new one. Yay, equipment protection plan. During this time, I had popped my SIM into my old Motorola v600. I can't believe I did this. This is so totally not something I'd do, and it shows how truly distracted I am. I dropped my cell phone in a glass of ice water. I just looked over, and it dropped it. Directly. In. Water. I don't know why. It really wasn't intentional. I was just trying to put it down on the ground. Mike said my new Sidekick2 should be here on Thursday, so use alternative forms of contact until then. I've been busy regardless, so don't feel too insulted if you sent a VM or IM and I didn't get back to you. I'm not avoiding you; I'm avoiding everyone, at least for a few more days. I hate answering questions, and everyone is full of them. RTFB.

It's kind of ironic that you find out the true nature of people only after you've broken up with them.

After agreeing to live together for a few more months so both of us are in a more comfortable position just a few days ago, Mike changed his mind today. I haven't slept that much since Friday. My back has been hurting too much, and Mike told me he'd go out and get something for me to help it. Instead he went and hung out with the guys. We're broken up and everything, but still, how can you do that to someone? It's just cruel. I got pretty angry, but it's not like I have any claim over how he spends his time. If he wants to be an asshole, that's his own prerogative. I just told him to move his things out of my bedroom, as the friends-with-benefits thing was over.

Today, the first thing he said when I saw him was that he wanted me to find a roommate or find a place to live as soon as possible. Gee. So much for "not being left hanging", something he promised he he wouldn't do.

So now I'm being left with no car (before, he promised he'd give me the explorer), no bank account (it's in his name), no furniture (he's taking all of it), and a debt to my mother that by all rights, both of us should owe her. The loan we took from her to get the house - which he'll probably be keeping. He's pushing all that off on me. Oh, and he's taking my dogs too.

Some people would be pretty upset. Some people would be totally all hate and rage. I, however, remain optimistic.

I got into an altercation this morning. It's a Friday, it's about 10 AM, and my entire road has been blocked off by a large truck belonging to some landscaping company.

First off, it's raining out - has been all night. Who in their right mind does landscaping in the rain?

Secondly, if you're going to live in this country, LEARN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE. If I moved to Mexico, I'd learn Spanish - or at least more than I could remember this morning.

You see, not a single person present spoke English. Not even broken English. How many different ways can a person gesture that a large green monstrosity of a truck is blocking off my entire neighborhood? In my frustration, I said the only two things in Spanish I could remember at that moment. Then I said them louder. And louder. And louder yet, until I think one of them moved the truck so the crazy girl would leave them alone.

What are the two things I could remember?

Me gusta empanadas.

Tengo un gato enojado en mis pantalones.

I feel a lot more like myself now than I have in a while. My self confidence is back. Last night helped wonders. I have no idea how I always seem to meet these people - it's a gift, I guess. Others might see it as a curse, but they are not rock stars.

I'm a rock star.

I don't have the energy for a long post.

The previous post was regarding my step-sister. I just found out she was getting beat by her husband. I tried to fly her here. I tried to fly there. I tried to do everything I could. I guarenteed safetly for her and her daughter. She won't leave him, though, so what can I do? I never thought of her as being one of those females. It crushes me to know that she is. It hurts more than anyone can comprehend to know that our friendship is probably over.

Mike and I are over. It was finished this weekend. I've been hiding in my computer. I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. Everyone saw this coming, including myself.

My jaw is all swollen. I didn't make it to work today. I didn't want to have to answer questions. Every time I shut my eyes, I fall asleep. Infection.

James is leaving Atlanta. Great timing.

I miss my friends. On the upside, this is a great time for me to break out all the clothes I've missed. It's a shame the Chamber shut down. I don't really have anywhere to wear my favorite boots to. At least my new iPod matches everything. What's on my iPod? Garbage's Bleed Like Me. Christina Aguilera's Stripped. Fragma.

I bought an obscenely expensive dress because of World of Warcraft. I was trying to get away from my computer, so I went to Bloomingdales. I saw this dress, this perfect dress. It was silk - green, beaded, and just gorgeous. Ribbons complimented the princess cut, and I thought I would die. The first thing I thought when I saw this dress - "I bet it has at least +12 int and is Bind on Equip". I tried it on, it turns out it was true, so I bought it. I think I'm going to bring it back though. In the week since I bought it, I lost another 5lbs. The dress is falling off. Strapless dresses have to fit just right.

Boy - "You know.. I've loved you for so long.. I feel as though I've slipped into a parallel universe."
Girl - "I don't understand how you could love me."
Boy - "I don't understand how everybody could not."