If you have been directed to go to this link, it's because you've posted a picture or profile on a website that needs some help. Here's some tips for creating a profile that has better content then the inside of a septic tank (if big words are hard for you, i'm talking about poopy).
This list is a work in progress and is subject to change. If you have similar bad experiences and would like to include something on the list, please post a comment. Comments are subject to deletion if stupidity is detected.
1. It's Internet. Not "NET". Shortening it to net was ok back when that one movie with Sandra Bullock came out, but it's no longer acceptable, and certainly not in caps. Nor should you refer to it as the "web" ,"www", nor internet. It's a proper noun.
2. When half your profile talks about how you like to chat online, that makes you sound like an antisocial retard that never leaves your computer. This isn't the image you want to project on others. No one wants to date a socially inept cow.
3. Spelling is important. A profile is important enough to warrant you going back over what you've typed to make sure everything is correct. Some typos and spelling errors are so blatant, I doubt the author even looked at the screen while he was typing. I'm sorry, I left my idiot decoder ring at home.
4. Punctuation counts. Don't add multiple exclamation points and question marks to reach the minimum character limit. Also, every sentence doesn't have to end in an exclamation point. It makes you sound permanently perky. Don't have one really long run-on sentence.
5. Everyone likes music. Why not talk about how you like oxygen? Or, how about sunny days? I love sunny days! Walking on the beach is awesome! Hanging with friends is cool, too. I love hanging out with friends.
6. If you're 40+, you shouldn't refer to yourself as a "party animal". It's rare that a 21 year old female hooks up with a 40+ year old man unless he's got money. It's generally best that you try to aim for someone in your own age group, and I seriously doubt an older woman is going to be turned on by the aspect of being with a man that acts half his age.
7. If you're wearing a wife beater and standing in front of the confederate flag in your picture, don't claim you're not a redneck. We all know better.
8. Do not blame your profile on your friends. Your friends did not make you do this, you're just worried that someone will think you are pathetic for joining the meme craze of online personals. This isn't something you need to be ashamed of. Just remember that whoever is looking at your ad is just as pathetic as you are.
9. There's no need to describe aspects of your physical appearance that are apparent in your photos. Example: "I have blonde hair and a goatee."
10. Unless you're built like Vin Diesel, don't post pictures of you topless. Mantits are not attractive. You'll have much better luck scoring with your shirt on and the lights down low. Camwhore it up. If you are Vin Diesel, don't even bother making a profile. Just email me.
11. Don't post a picture of you with your ex. This should be common sense.
12. It's "girl", not "gurl", "grrl", "grrrrl", or any other combination of too many r's and not enough i's. The riot girl scene is dead, move along.
13. Saying that you are picky is asking people not to message you. Being overly critical is not an asset.
14. Do not for any reason provide unrequested pictures of your penis. Penises are ugly. Functional, but ugly. Do not brag about your penis size. In fact, leave your penis out of the conversation altogether.
15. Do not use "net speak", "aol speak", or "leet speak". Examples: lol, rofl, u, r, 2, l33t.
16. Emo sucks. Get over it. Also, don't claim to be goth, especially if you're some angsty teenager. Conform to the norm, I demand you start shopping at the gap. There are a few exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, goth sucks.
17. Don't talk about cutting. If you're emotionally wounded, then don't go to some personals site looking for someone to pity you. If you are a cutter, please email me your cutter porn. hep wants it.
Here's a good example of what not to say. This should go in the profile hall of shame.
urm.. wots there 2 sey look at me lol! jokin urm.. ma hobies urm.. singing.. grade 6 bin singin all mi life love 2 dance n all that lot, urm... bois, shopin n lookin decent is probs main prioritys in life at the mo !! and ma m8s bcuz i love um xx
Last revision of this list was May 21, 2005. Permalink is http://freebsdgirl.com/profile.help.
Hmmmm.. comments..
10) Same goes for girls. If your tits don't stand up on their own, don't post them. When your nipples are pointing downwards, then it's a big clue to not post that shit online.
12) Lies. Tank girl 4 life!!!!!!!!!1one!!!!eleven!!!!!!
15) Same goes for rap speak. Taking the time to type out "you know wut im saying g' or 'werd up to dat' is fucking stupid.
I would add:
18) You're not Paris Hilton. Even if you were, Paris Hilton is a fucking tramp. So please don't post pictures of you trying to look like her. Or Britney. Or Nicole Richie. Or whatever bimbo Hollywood or megamusic is trying to push down our throats.
19) Unless you sound as good as say, Whitney Houston in her 80s prime or Elvis in his prime, NEVER EVER POST ANYTHING THAT FEATURES YOU SINGING. Ever.
20) Asking people to vote on whether you are hot or not is so 2003. If your life is so shallow and empty that you depend on whether complete strangers think you look "hawt" in your picture, then perhaps it's time to jump on the clue wagon and realize that perhaps you are not hot and that you are a loser and that it's time to get off the computer, clean up the chicken bones and pizza boxes around you, get a fucking mountain bike or a gym membership, and get the fuck outside.