It started while we were both at work. I sent him an Instant Message.
randi: I want a baby.
Mike: What?
randi: I want a baby.
Mike: Um.
It wasn't a random thought or whim. It was something I'd been considering for a while. Finally getting it out in the open made it more real. It went downhill from there. He didn't want to have this conversation without being face to face, so we both met at my house after work. We sat on opposite ends of the couch, avoiding each others eyes by staring at the dog.
The conversation started slow, then gained momentum with accusations that were thrown in an attempt to throw the focus away from what we both knew the problem was. He said he loved me, but he didn't understand how we could love each other so much and argue the way we do. I said I've never known a love where arguing wasn't a part of it, and arguments aren't inclusive of love, anyways. I told him I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. I meant it more than he knew.
We stepped around the main problem carefully, but in the end we kept returning to the same conclusion - or rather, lack of a conclusion. I told him I wanted a family. I wanted the house, the kids, the whole nine yards. I told him I didn't think I had wanted this the first time we talked about it so many months ago, but he talked me into it, and now I genuinely craved it for my own. He said he wanted the same thing, but not yet. He wouldn't want it for a very long time. I told him I'd been settling for what he wanted for a while, and it had been making me progressively unhappier as time went on. He said he knew. He asked what we should do, and I said we should break up. We both cried and cuddled together as we watched a movie, avoiding the scene we both dreaded. We were grasping for another solution, but to no avail. I fell asleep with his arms around me.
When we woke up this morning, he pretended like last night never happened. He kissed me when he left to go to work. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him, but I pretended I couldn't hear him. I still felt like I was dying. I'd never felt my heart break like that, before. I could only wonder if his was breaking too. I fell down on the bed and hugged the pillow he had slept on. It smelled like him. I heard the front door close, and I knew Herm was waiting to go to work. I got up, and progressed with life as usual. Life isn't usual when you're lacking a heart.
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