Michelle and John let me sleep in this morning, since I really haven't slept well all week. This is the best sleep I've had in a while. I woke up and wandered around their new house for a bit, looking at knick-knacks and remembering pieces of our youth. I keep feeling like I'm on the urge of crying. I don't understand why. I think I always felt like I was a step ahead. I managed to get out of this place. Looking at her life though - she's ahead of me. I wonder if she knows how great she has it. I don't envy her, I'm not jealous. I'm proud of her. I miss her dearly. She was my best friend growing up and continues to be now, despite the 600 miles seperating us.
I'm thinking about moving back. Perhaps not permanently, but for a few years. I'd have to find a job out here, but it's only half an hour away from St. Louis. Surely there are computer jobs out there. I'd hate to leave my current job. I love it there. I'd only leave if I was absolutely certain of what I was doing and where I was going. Mike isn't too thrilled about the idea of moving out here, which is understandable. It's practically in the middle of nowhere. The cost of living is so low, though. Michelle bought her house for about 1/4 of what it would be in Atlanta. They don't have the shops out here, so I'd be forced to restrict my spending. No Bloomingdales, no Sephora. I think it might be good for me. And I'd be here to help Michelle with her baby.
Thinking about all of this really makes me want to do the grownup thing. Stop buying stuff. Start fixing my credit. Get a car, a house. Talking about all of this is probably freaking Mike out, but at least my views on some things that are very important to him are changing. When I was in the hospital with Michelle, I saw all the evidence of the people that love her, the family that she has, and it made me ache. She has this huge family, and they all live in the same area, and they are all very close. Mike has a similar situation, sort of. His parents and sister live in Duluth, although the rest of the family is in Boston. His family is important to him. The only close family I have is Nathan and Chad. Chad may be an ex-husband (or soon-to-be-ex-husband), but I'll always consider him family. We're good friends still. My dad is close, but he's a bit psychotic and we just can't seem to be in the same room without butting heads.
Sometimes I just wish I had a normal life.
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