I tend to start a new diary any time I start seeing a new boy - or really, I suppose, whenever the mood strikes me. I found two old ones. I hadn't written very much in either, but here's an example of what I write off the blog. I haven't written anything other than what you see on the blog since the last entry in diary #2. Diary #1 actually starts about a year into the James debacle. I am burning both these journals tonight.
Diary #1: The Book of James
2/3/2003 @ 2:25 PM
And So I start a new journal. I woke up this morning feeling as though I had not slept at all. Despite that, I woke in a good mood. The fresh smell of clean is a godsend in the morning. Yesterday was Imbolic, so I spent the majority of the day cleaning. The bedroom is now spotless. I even took pictures to commemorate the event. It's amazing to me the way the shine, sparkle, and smell of a room can affect my mood. I wish I could keep it like this forever.
2/4/2003 @ 1:52 AM
Isn't it odd that I only like James when I am talking to him? I will reflect on this more in the morning when I can see what I'm writing.
2/4/2003 @ 2:46 PM
James called this morning. Although it had not been mentioned during our conversation last night, I knew that he would. It was a brief call, but pleasant nonetheless. I can tell that he misses me. I no longer dread going to Texas, though within a few days I am sure that those feelings will return. I do not know if these feelings tem from James or from my own fear. I do not believe I can live a double life. My dreadful morals and ethics are eating away at me leaving naught but a girl that is afraid of her own shadow.
2/26/2003 @ 5:59 AM
I started reading about handwriting analysis earlier today. It turns out the way I write (slanted to the left) is somewhat abnormal. It means I'm cold and unemotional. Is that true? I've always thought of myself as being overly emotional. I'm fairly open with my life, but I guess that's because none of that stuff is very important to me. I am very lonely, and I don't think I'll ever meet the person that will change that. I'm depressed and repressed. Hey, that rhymes!
3/25/2003 @ 3:25 PM
I'm rather tired at the moment. I woke up from my 4 AM nap feeling horribly depressed. The migraine certainly didn't help either. Things seem to be back to normal with me and Chad, despite that horrible fight we had about the webcam. After a slight guilt trip, I convinced him to take the day off work. Having him and Nathan around helped me more than I thought it would. I found us yummy sweet rolls for breakfast, and then Chad and I took a walk to where they are building the new school. It's a beautiful day out, although I am still not used to the sun! He's going over to dad's tonight to watch Chris. I dread being left alone in this house, for I know I will spend my time brooding about James.
3/25/2003 @ 7:03 PM
Chad is gone, and I am struggling to keep awake. I miss sleep. I miss using it to escape. I am determined to get back on a normal sleeping schedule, if anything so I can avoid James. If I am awake and he is awake, I feel the urge to talk to him, even if I have nothing to say. I am not sure why - maybe it's my way of trying not to be forgotten. He'll be here soon. Keep it together Randi, you only have 2 weeks to wait. I am destructive.
3/26/2003 @ 6:59 AM
It's a nice morning so far. I hope it warms up like it did yesterday. I really want to go outside in my new swimming suit and have a poor attempt at trying to tan. QOTD - "She looks like she could have been happy in another life." I'm thinking about calling Chad later and asking him if he wants to go to lunch. City Cafe sounds yummy.
3/26/2003 @ 8:08 AM
A phrase caught my eye earlier today, and I've been thinking about it ever since. Why am I constantly seeking validation from others? Why aren't my own conclusions enough? I wonder if perhaps that is the key to happiness - seeking validation from no one.
3/30/2003 @ 8:58 AM
Chad spent the night out last night, despite my objections. I'm tired of being alone all the time! We only spent 2 nights together out of the past week, and both were with Nathan. We had a huge fight (second this week, wow), and he told me he didn't realize how his absences were affecting me. We've been together for 4 years. You'd think he'd know me by now. He said he'd be back by 11 or 12. It's 9 AM now and he's still not home. I took off at 8 AM, coming home to an empty house should give him something to think about. I am so pissed off at him right now, perhaps unreasonably so. Right now I'm waiting for Barnes & Nobles to open. I don't want to see his face. Last night (after waiting up until 2 AM for him to get home), I had a dream that I caught him reading my AIM logs with James. I was enraged; I clawed at his face and beat him with my fists and kicked at him all while he sat there impassively with a smirk on his face, ignoring my anger. I wish I was anywhere but here. It seems surreal. What now? I can't stay at Barnes & Nobles forever. I don't want to see him, though. I don't want to have to deal with him at home.
4/1/2003 @ 12:06 PM
Sometimes I find myself craving the idyllic existence of the mother with a garden and fresh baked cookies and a white picket fence and a cute comfy house full of knickknacks, and just when I start to settle into this "nesting mode", I undergo a dramatic mood change and I want nothing more than to behave with those ideals that I think befit my peers. When will I be satisfied? When will I know who I am? When will I stop feeling this urge to fuck around with what I've got? When will I just fucking grow up already?
4/4/2003 @ 4:13 AM
It feels so odd to feel "right" sometimes, like all is well in the world. I miss the pond. It feels so good to be back at work, even if it is only for a few days. I need to feel like I am useful to be happy, apparently.
4/8/2003 @ 10:02 AM
Made it through the first night. It's so odd seeing him again. I only hope I don't get used to it.
(Editors note - the last entry marks me seeing James again, as I'm with him for the next few entries.)
4/8/2003 @ 12:31 PM
Would it be difficult for him to make me happy just for 2 days? I should have known better. I should have never expected anything different from what he's always given me. I feel bitter. Was this really worth all the risk?
4/8/2003 @ 11:24 PM
Drunk.
4/11/2003 @ 1:29 PM
So I miss him, maybe a little. No real surprise there. I dread being home. I know Chad was on uberskittle, but he doesn't know I know. I am biding my time for now, deciding what to do. James didn't AIM/msg/call to see if everything went OK. I wonder if he even thought of me once. Sigh. Probably doesn't help matters any that I am feeling the come down off X. I'm sitting in the DC right now though, next to the cobalts, waiting for 2 of them to hopefully boot. The feel of the datacenter is soothing to me.
4/16/2003 @ 3:50 PM
I've been avoiding my journal lately. Every time I start to think about things, I get an impending feeling of doom. Just a little while ago, I lost myself to those feelings and collapsed in a chair where I cried for at least 15 minutes. A feeling of panicked tears is always looming on the surface. Oh, how I wish I could just come clean and we could start over! I wish I had never met James. I wish this was all a bad dream and I could just wake up. No more dog, no more Nathan, no more debt. I am a complete failure. I didn't even realize how much I loved Chad until I had a definite fear of losing him. There are no lies I can tell to get myself out of this one. I 'm tired of lies. I really do want to tell the truth, but if I can't even explain my motives to myself, how can I even expect him to forgive me? He hasn't said anything, and I don't want to be the one to break the silence, but I can't stand this tension!! Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong, but how can I even begin to explain this to them? TCA told me that if bad shit was to go down, I could always count on him. James told me the same thing, but I would never ask him for help. My time with him confirmed what I already knew - I don't like him. It pains me to realize this, but it's for the best. I just don't know what to do about Chad now. How do I fix things? Do I want to fix things? I wish he would come to me and say "I know everything, I still love you, let's forget all of it and start over." Yeah right, he's forgiving, but not that forgiving. If I lose him, I don't know what I'll do.
10/3/2003 @ 1:22 PM
He came, he went, he conquered. I can't say that I am glad to see him go. Sinking once again into depression, my "James withdrawal", I start to play the endless gave of "Why do I do this to myself". The answer is too simple to be able to adequately express in words. I wish I had no heart. As I see it, my main problem is that I make all my important decisions with my heart and never my head, and yet I refuse to share my heart with anyone. I want to! But whenever I try to form the words, memories of shed tears and blank stares and apathy come, and the words reshape to a more pleasing, more socially correct form. My brain is starting to accept what my heart already knows. Do I love James? The insecurities, the immaturity, the heartache, the hopelessness - for it is hopeless. That part my brain is telling me, even if my heart refuses to listen. When I'm with him, the rest of the world can't hurt me. With his arms around me, everything else is just a fuzzy memory and this is REAL. How am I supposed to tell my heart that I have to forget him, that he will never be mine? I find myself drowning in memories. At least I have the hoodie. It's absurd how much it means to me. I dare not cry, because my tears would land on it. I would give up everything just to be his, and I think he knows this and thinks less of me for it. He's a fool! My heart isn't given lightly, and his disdain burns it. If only I had no heart. Life would be a much different proposition, and the rules would be a hell of a lot easier. Why did it all have to work so well this time? Why did it have to feel so right, so good? It would be much easier if we had endlessly fought and he had left with me crying. Damn you, James, for doing it right this time.
Diary #2: The Book of Mike
2/3/2004 @ 8:52 AM
I'm laying here watching Mike sleep, and all I can think about is how on earth I managed to get a guy like him. I gave him the letter and he stayed.
(Editors Note: the letter I referred to was an 8 page monstrosity detailing all of my problems, all the stupid fucked up shit I've done, the horrible ways I handled the James incident, etc. Not exactly the best thing to spring on a guy after a month of dating him, but hindsight is 20/20, yes? At this point I started doing almost all of my writing on freebsdgirl, so there are very few entries.)
5/15/2004
I think I'm starting to hate being in love. My feelings for Mike grow stronger every day, and it's unhealthy. Both times I cared for someone this much, everything else in my life went to shit. I start neglecting other aspects of my life. It isn't that I do it deliberately; I just stop caring about everything other than the object of my affections. My feelings for Mike are exponentially stronger than anything I ever felt for James. What happened when James left me keeps playing my head like a broken record. I feel nothing for James, but the pain and devastation I experienced then echoes in my heart today. The past week I've had three dreams about him, none of them pleasant. I am relieved that whenever I have woken up from them, Mike has been lying there next to me. His presence is always soothing to me. This is both a blessing and a curse. Being with him is such a good feeling that when he leaves, it's like coming down off a high. There has to be a midlde ground, a way to level out my feelings for him. I just want to hold him close and look at him forever. I watched him sleep today. This can't possibly be healthy. I love him so much it hurts. The odd thing is that I'm not scared of him. I don't think eh would leave me. He loves me. I'm not scared of him at all, I'm just scared of me.
5/20/2004
The more I think about it, the more I really don't like the idea of working for the same company as Mike. I usually I like the competition. In fact, the lack of it was one of my main gripes at my old jobs. Competition makes me strive to be better, because I hate not being the best. In this case, however, I don't think it's a good thing at all. I'm already jealous of him. He's working day shift, so he will make contacts far easier than I can. I'm envious of how easy it is for him to get into a new situation and adapt to it. He always seems to fit right in. I don't think I'll be getting over these feelings anytime soon, so if one of us doesn't get moved out of support soon, I forsee problems for us down the road. When I woke up yesterday morning, I tried calling Mike because I had missed a few calls from him. Terry answered the phone, and after a brief but confusing chat with him, I got dressed and raced to American Pie for happy hour. Everyone was fairly tanked when I got there, so I started hitting the vodka hard in an attempt to catch up, despite having to be at work in a little over 2 hours. It was all quite fun until Mike got drunk enough to stay some things he doubtless should not have said. It was fine at first. He told me he loved me at least 20 times, and he made me promise not to hurt him like Jessie did. I would never do that to him, and I told him as much. He also told me this Sunday he was going out to dinner at his parents, and he is going to tell them we are serious. I was feeling pretty tipsy at this point, so I gave him a shy smile and asked "so, we're serious?" Of course I knew, but I liked the reassurance. He also said he's going to tell them that we are thinking about moving in together. What he said next is seriously making me reconsider that, though. He told me - not once, not twice, but three times - that I shouldn't be surprised if a year from now, he puts a ring on my finger. Those are nearly his exact words. I know he was drunk, but I was too, so I took him seriously. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it before. That's what I do, though. I think of all possible outcomes of a given situation, and then I decide how I feel about each outcome. I generally have things well planned out long before they happen, but I didn't see this one coming at all. I thought about it all night. I talked to Daniel about it, and he asked me if it was what I really wanted. This made me pause, and I told him I wasn't sure. I didn't want to think about this yet. I was happy with the way things were going, though not content. I wasn't ready to be hit by this, but he has put it out there, and I was seriously considering this in a whole new light. He called me early in the morning, and when I asked him if he remembered what he said to me, he told me he didn't. I didn't tell him at that point because I was a little crushed and didn't want to bring it up yet. I waited until I got to his house to tell him, and I brought it up like a joke, like I hadn't though ti about it much at all. He told me marriage was out of the question, it's something he didn't need, and it's the last thing on his mind, etc. I tried to pretend like this didn't bother me, but it did. I was fairly upset about all of it. When I was driving him to work during his lunch break, I told him I was a little angry. Maybe angry isn't the right word. Disappointed? Worthless? Crushed? Any of those will do, I suppose. On the drive home, I had to fight to keep myself from crying. It's not that I was so set on getting married to him. It's just the feeling that came with knowing he was thinking about it. Everything that was so shiny and fabulous is just so dull in comparison now. It's like being given a flower only to have it wilt the second I touch it. Now all I can think about is that I'm not good enough. It's the same feeling I had with James. I don't think I can make it through that again. If Mike had never told me he loved me, things would be a lot easier. I could just cast it all off. I could throw my feelings to the side, turn around, and walk away. Love makes me weak. I don't want to be hurt. I'm terrified of him now. I want to run, but I know I can't. I'm in over my head. I love him so much it hurts, and he loves me as well. I can't throw something like that away. I've never felt this way about ANYONE. What am I supposed to do now? He told me to not think about it. Yeah, like that's going to happen. I'm a girl, what does he expect? Things are broken, things that would have been perfectly fine if he just hadn't said anything. He really did hurt me. I thought he never would. Love makes me weak. sigh.
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