I fucked up, today. I've done something so ridiculously stupid, I'm at a complete loss. I don't even have an excuse. "I wasn't thinking" doesn't quite cut it, although lately it's an apt description.
I've done something horrible, albeit unintentionally. I've done something that could potentially cost Mike and I both our jobs. I don't want to get into the details of what that is, but it is bad enough to where it could easily get us fired. Right now, fingers are being pointed at him instead of me, and that makes it all the more worse.
He came home from his lunch break today and came into his bedroom extremely upset. He started yelling at me, waking me up. I suppose it wasn't so much yelling - he doesn't really do that - but it was just in that kind of tone of voice. I was still in that haze of sleep where nothing quite makes sense, all I knew was that he was angry and it made me want to curl up and die. Gradually, I started to wake up, and what he was telling me was starting to fit together in my mind. I didn't know what to say. I think I started to have a panic attack. I've never really felt anything like that, before. I noticed that I had stopped breathing, and my entire torso and arms had gone numb and tingly. After a minute or two of this, I forced myself to breathe, even though I didn't want to. Then harsh reality started setting in.
I don't care so much about my job. I care about my paycheck and my resume. ISS is a great thing to have on my resume, and the paycheck is pretty nice, as well. I may not like my job, but I do like the company and the benefits it will have for me in the long term if I stay there. Quite honestly, I hate my job. I'm not doing what I love, and it stresses me out. I'm a UNIX girl, and I'm working in a windows world. It doesn't seem that big of a deal to some, but to me it's huge. I have to have a job that I can enjoy, at least somewhat. I spend enough time at work to where if I don't like my job, I don't like my life. The prospect of me losing my job - that's not what was causing the panic attack.
I've never seen Mike so agitated before. Even yesterday, he wasn't this bad. I'm not privileged to say what happened yesterday, but it was extremely stressful and upsetting to him. I should note that yesterday was in no way related to me. I knew it wasn't my fault yesterday, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I did what I could to make him smile and forget about it, and by the end of the night he seemed a lot happier and relaxed. I was in a horrible mood, and I have been for weeks, but I put that aside because all I wanted to do was make him feel better. My depression was nothing compared to the aggravation he'd been through that day. Today is an entirely different story, however. This is my fault, and it's so much worse than yesterday. The fact that I caused him this much pain, that it really was my fault - I froze up. I panicked. I don't know what to do. There is nothing I can do to fix this situation. There is nothing I can do to make him feel better. I am the source of his anxiety, and it's killing me that I could cause him to feel like that.
Ever since we started dating 6 months ago, our lives have gotten progressively fucked up. Bad things keep happening. He's mostly at fault for the things that happen to him, and I'm definitely at fault for the things that happen to me. I fucked up my apartment situation. I lost my job. I moved in with my dad. I lost another job. I started having severe depression and anxiety problems. And now this?
I broke up with him.
At least, I tried to. I told him I thought it would be a good idea if we didn't see each other anymore. These have got to be the hardest words I have ever said. I can deal with all of the fucked up shit that has happened to me. I can get over it. I can fight my way through it. I may feel like it's impossible sometimes, but I'm no quitter. I know that eventually I can make it through anything. But I can't ask him to do the same. I've finally fucked up enough to where it affected him, and I can't allow that to happen. I love him too much to hurt him like that.
I felt like I was burning up from the inside as I said those words. "I don't think we should see each other anymore." I never thought I'd be saying that. I never thought he'd say it, either. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I love him. For the first time in my life, I can say that and not wonder if it's true. I can watch the sappy chick flicks where the girl gets the guy in the end, and I can not be jealous of what they've got, because I know what I've got with Mike is just as good. It's not perfect; nothing ever is. But it's real, and it's without question. I trust him. I'm a cynical and untrusting person by nature. I've never trusted anyone. He could tell me the sky was purple, and I'd believe him. He's the first person I've ever been entirely honest with, too. Other than all of you, of course. It's easy to tell the truth on a blog. You don't have to look into everyones eyes as you say things. You can just type it up, put it out there, and be done with it. There's no repercussions. I can look into his eyes and tell him all of the things that I am so horribly ashamed of, silly as they may be. He makes me want to be a better person. Not different, just better. Others have tried to get me to help myself when it came to my depression or my back, and I told them to fuck off. Because of him, I'm seeing doctors now. I'm trying to fix it because I know how it affects him to see me upset and in pain. I feel right with him. It feels like something that has always been missing is there now. I would do anything, give up anything - for him. I took down freebsdgirl's main site for him. That right there says a lot. I have never compromised myself like that. Never. Up until this point, I've seen myself spending forever with him. I know it's too soon to be saying that. Maybe I'm just a stupid girl, but I never saw what we had as ending. My feelings for him were just too certain for that. I was too comfortable in love. I let my guard down. I stopped being scared.
I haven't so much as told him all of this. He knows that I love him. I know he loves me. It's not that I don't want him to know these things. I don't think they would necessarily scare him. I'm not so good with words when it comes to expressing my feelings (outside of a blog, that is). Well, maybe I am scared, just a little bit. Not of what he would say, but scared of acknowledging them out loud, myself. I didn't think it was possible to have these feelings for someone. I definitely didn't think it was possible to love someone so much and find out that they loved me, as well.
Do you see why I tried to break up with him?
I don't want to hurt him. I would kill myself before I would hurt him. He means the world to me. I felt like something died inside as I made the decision to say those words to him. Something deep down was screaming "No! Don't let me do this! Fight for me! Fight for us!", but I ignored it.
I feel like I've thrown away something beautiful.
I gave in at the end. I told him I'd pick him up from work. I don't want to break up with him, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to fuck up his life. I want him to live happily ever after - even if it's not with me. As I typed that, that same little voice started screaming "Bullshit!", but I don't think it is. I love him enough to give him up.
Panic. Hurt. Anger. Hate. I feel like I'm dying. Maybe I am.
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