July 2004 Archives

<junyer> RESUME OF RANDI HARPER <junyer> CURRENT STATUS: FREEBSDGIRL <junyer> "hire her!"

Today, someone on IRC said I had a big ego. I'm not sure what the proper response was, but it brings up an interesting point. Is it possible to have a blog and not have a big ego? I mean, people sit at their computers and log every inane action in their life (or in my case, random snippets of nothingness I find amusing or noteworthy), and they expect people to read it. I don't expect people to read my blog, but I appreciate that they do.

I love the little people!

LOTD: JibJab.

FreeBSDGirl.com now has rss.

tinydns is like faking an orgasm when having sex with a midget.

Did you know after 2 hours of reading jerkcity, your brain has complete and utter meltdown?
Someone asks if you have a cig, and you're like "DONGZ AND COCKS, GLORYHOLE!"

Mike leaves for Boston on Saturday morning. He's going to be gone an entire week. Work takes up about 70% of my life, and he takes up the other 30%, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do when he's gone. Sleep, game, and maybe go out clubbing with Jenny. Although I'm going to miss him terribly - this is the longest we've ever been apart - it'll be somewhat of a relief to have some time to myself again. I kind of wish I could go with him, but I don't know if I'm ready for the total Lockhart experience yet. I'm just getting used to his parents and sister; the thought of taking the entire clan on scares me.

If any of ya'll are from the Atlanta area and want to entertain me during my week of loneliness, give me a shout. The Globe is supposed to have it's last party on the 31st. I may go to that if I can find someone willing to go with me. I don't really like going to clubs by myself. I always end up getting humped by some ugly guy on the dance floor. Come protect me, please?

I think I may take Nathan out to the movies on Saturday afternoon if he's back from Oklahoma by then. I'm not sure when he's supposed to be returning, now that I think about it. I'll have to call Chad up and ask him later today. I miss Nathan so much!

In other news, I despise Xcode. I hate Apple. I hate MacOSX. I hate Fink. I hate gtk. I hate ld. I hate Safari. I hate Flash. Most of all, I hate Quicktime. But I do love my iPod.

I had caffiene for the first time in a month tonight. I brought a 1 liter bottle of Code Red to work. I've only drank about 1/3 of it, and I've been vibrating from energy all night. <3 caffiene.

The problem with being so efficient and dedicated at work is that an hour into my shift, I'm left with nothing to do.

The site is going public again in about 10 minutes. I just have to make a few changes in my apache config, move some files around, and it'll be good to go. For those of you that have a login to the current page, you will be able to access all entries - including private ones - by logging in to http://naked.freebsdgirl.com. It's the exact same site as http://freebsdgirl.com except it will allow access to those private entries. The rest of the world will just use the other site. It's a temporary solution at best, but it'll do. Also, you'll notice not all of the page is quite up. It'll make do for now. I'm still working on bits and pieces of it, but it's mostly functional. :)

Ciao!

Let's see, what all did I do on my weekend. Hmm...

Friday night, Mike and I went to Fayetteville to see Nathan for a bit before Chad took him to Oklahoma. This was supposed to be my weekend with Nathan, but I can understand Chad wanting to have him for the weekend. It's not very often Nathan gets to see his grandmother. We hung out for a bit, and watched my dog be very, uh...lesbian. Have you ever seen a miniture shepherd mix try to hump a pit bull mix? Both females? It's really funny, and very disturbing. At one point, RJ even tried humping Lucy's head. Lucy was having none of that, and snapped at her a few times. Rape!

After we finished up at my house in Fayetteville, we started back up to Mike's house in Roswell, stopping at the liquor store to spend about $200 on party supplies. We spent about an hour calling people and organizing a small party at Mike's. It was somewhat slow going - not that I noticed. I made myself one screwdriver, but every time it started getting low, I kept adding more vodka to it. I'm not sure how many drinks that came out to, but it was enough to get me tanked. I met a bunch of cool people that night, although the party didn't get nearly as crowded as we expected. I met Jenny, who writes a comic strip called The Devil's Panties. A few people have been talking about how I should start a FreeBSDGirl comic strip, and after reading her comic strip, I just might do that. I'm not sure if I'm up to it, but I'll give it a try. If nothing else, I will have a lot of material based around Mike. He's always giving me something to write about. What a dork. :)

Saturday, we spent much of the day recovering from the previous night. Both of us had slight headaches, but we set out into the bright sunshine to go pay for Mike's car anyways. It's still in the shop - lazy bum is taking forever to get it fixed. I don't mind. It's kind of nice having to be around to help him. I'm sure it'll give me great leverage at some point in the future.

We saw The Bourne Supremacy and I, Robot this weekend. Both were surprisingly good, and that's all I'm going to say about that. I hate it when people give away the plot to movies. Just go see them. It's worth it.

Sunday we went to Mike's parents for dinner. It was totally yummy, even though I didn't eat much. I hate eating around people. Fat girl habits die hard.

Speaking of which, Mike actually had the drunken nerve to call me a former "fat cow". wtf. I would have withheld sex that night if I had been sober enough to remember it. We shouldn't have had sex anyways because of his piercing, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Watch Mike's penis turn black and fall off. Oopsie. Next?

Today's link comes to us from EFNet. A quiet man, he likes walks on the beach, developing for FreeBSD, and stabbing his manparts with metal bits.

What a PITA.

I spent the weekend with Mike. As you can tell by my previous post - of which I don't remember making - my boyfriends manparts are now pierced. Mmm. No sex for me for 3-6 weeks. I can already tell my blog entries are going to get more and more frustrated as the time progresses.

Friday night, we just went to Fayetteville and chilled. We took Nathan to Pizza Hut and then cuddled and watched movies all night long. Saturday we went to lil5 points. I bought a black tight tank top that says "Bling Bling" in cursive script across the chest in silver rhinestones, and a weird black lacey jacket/top thing. Hard to describe. It's hot. Anyways, then we went to Kolo's because I needed a new barbell for my tongue. Mike decided (with a little prodding from me) that it was a good time for him to get his frenum piercing. He's been thinking about getting it done for a while, but the time just hadn't felt right until then. We went to the Vortex before the act of mutilation. It's not a good idea to stab yourself with little bits of metal on an empty stomache! After the act was done, we went to Liberty to look at tattoos. I thought it would be cute if I got the kana for "slave" on my shoulderblade, and Mike got the kana for "master" on his. He wasn't too into the idea. Wanker.

I still haven't gotten tattooed, but I'm definitely thinking about it. Tribal/celtic tattoos are the hotness.

I was reading through my old livejournal entries, and I found something that I had entirely forgotten.

This is from August 12th, 2002.

2:40 AM - The diary of a little girl Someday I want to fall in love again. I don't really have any plans to fall in love with any specific person, but I might have someone in mind. Like I told red, I can't force love. I won't rule it out though. I'm scared, but I might like for it to happen. I want it to consume me until I'm giddy and spinning in circles. I want to fall in love with someone that will love me back.

It won't happen with Eddy.

I want someone that will send me flowers when I'm not expecting it. I want someone that will kiss away my tears and hold me when I cry. I want someone that will tickle me until I'm senseless with giggles. I want someone that will cuddle with me while it rains. I want someone that will suprise me by doing little things for me, and I want someone that will appreciate it when I do things for him. I want someone that will listen to what I have to say and take me seriously. I want someone that will give all of himself to me, and someone I can give all of myself to. I want someone that makes me feel good about myself.

Someday I might want to get married again. I might want a wedding unlike the one I had before. I want to get a beautiful white dress of satin and lace. I want to feel the nervousness of getting ready for the 'big day'. I want to fight with the florists and caterers and wedding planners. I want to have all my friends and family with me. I want to feel good about it when I say "I do". Maybe someday.

Sometimes it's nice to dream.

I didn't actually think that something like that would ever be possible for me. Mike has given me over half of that dream already. It's more than I could have ever dreamed possible.

Mike just got a frenum piercing today. Woot!

new pics!

I haven't touched any soda in the past week and a half. I used to have a 1ltr of code red a night, but I've managed to stick to it and not drink any lately. I'm surprised I had the willpower to do this, actually. I've never tried to cut myself off like that before from something. It's not as hard as you'd think. I just drink a lot of apple juice and water instead.

Mike got on to me tonight because I ordered a milkshake and cheese fries. It really upset me. I lost a hell of a lot of weight all by myself, thank you very much, and I don't need someone else telling me how to eat. He nags me constantly about it. It's not that I eat a lot - the problem is the exact opposite. I don't eat much at all. The food I do eat though probably isn't the best stuff in the world. I don't touch fast food, although I made an exception the other day because Mike was running late for lunch. I eat salads a lot. My main problem now (as Mike sees it) is that I eat too much cheese and sugar. Hell, with me cutting out soda, I think that cut my sugar intake in half at least. I wish people would stop nagging me and start looking at all the changes I have been making, lately. Give me a little credit, please.

Milkshake.

I have a couple of papers that I carry around with me everywhere. I don't touch them much, but they remain folded up in my bag for emergency situations - days when I feel like utter poo. On days when my self esteem can't get much lower, I take them out of my bag and read them. It's kind of silly to rely on some of my fan mail that much, but it's nice knowing that some people out there that I've never met think so highly of me. Despite the fact that most of them think that I have a "fuck you" attitude when facing the world, it's still nice to see that not everyone is going "fuck you" right back. :)

I think I'm going to be doing another big redesign of freebsdgirl. I've also been taking a lot of requests to make the blog public again into consideration, and I think this is probably going to happen. I'm going to keep the authentication functionality for blog entries that I mark as being 'private', however. This way I can still write about all my nefarious activities but at the same time keep them from people that should definitely not know about them.

So, here starts a new thread. I'd like some suggestions on functionality, design, etc. I'm considering switching from the standard htpasswd method of authentication to a custom authentication I'll write in php, similar to the way livejournal or webboards do things. It would keep information in a cookie so you wouldn't always have to log in. Whenever you comment, you wouldn't have to put in your nick. I'm also considering a little sidebar 'blurb' type section, where people could randomly comment about things. See the right news pane on plastic.com for an example.

I know the design right now isn't really all that great when it comes to smaller displays, and the CSS is iffy at best. I really like some of the improvements made in CSS2, but unfortunately about 60% of my readers use IE, which doesn't properly impliment CSS2. As a result, positioning can be horribly off.

Shoot some comments here; let me know what you think! :)

I have the coolest pants ever.

July 3rd, I had to go shopping. I didn't want to go home and I needed something to wear to the baseball game, so I dragged Mike with me to Northlake Mall. I was bouncing from store to store, looking for the perfect outfit. I needed something dark that would breathe well, because I knew the 4th (the day of the game) was going to be sweltering. I dropped Mike off at the Discovery Store, and I started walking towards the Gap when I spotted a big "SALE" sign in the Banana Republic.

Normally, I'm against buying clothes from a store named after a phallic shaped fruit. It just seems wrong to me. I've never even been in a Banana Republic before. I used to weigh a lot more, so those clothes were just out of the question. They didn't make them in size 'uber-fatass'. I've trimmed down some, although I'm still a bit chubby. Regardless, I can buy clothes from whatever store I want, and that makes me happy. On a whim, I went in the store and started browsing. The prices were kind of high, but really not that bad. And then I found the pants.

The Pants are black cargos with a bunch of silver zippers and buttons and whatnot. There's about 12 pockets total, I think. They hang off my waist perfectly and are just the right length. The pants are so hot, even I'd do me. The pants are the reason I lost weight. The pants are my inspiration for doing laundry on a regular basis. The only downside of the pants is that it takes me 5 minutes to find my keys. It's easy to lose things in all of these pockets.

I'm wearing the pants right now. :D

And now that I've lost at least 3 readers with this inane prattle about an article of clothing, on with the show.

[11:50PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:49 Ohh, one of your fans is um [11:50PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:49 freebsdgirl? [11:51PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:49 or something [11:51PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:49 similar [11:51PM] <@junyer> ->> 13.07 14:49 yeah, sektie.. you know of her? [11:51PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:49 Who doesn't! [11:51PM] <@junyer> so a 16yo girl in ipswich knows who the hell sektie is [11:58PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:57 heh, I've never met her [11:58PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:57 Just heard of her [11:58PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:57 from obsessed friends [11:58PM] <@junyer> ->> 13.07 14:57 male friends, no doubt [11:58PM] <@junyer> <<- 13.07 14:57 Good guess.

Mike and I didn't break up. We spent the entire weekend together with Nathan, and Mike went to the animal shelter to pick up that dog he's rescuing. I named her Lucy. She's adorable. I'll have to put up some pics of her later.

I woke up this morning laying next to him. When I opened my eyes, his face was close to mine, and he was looking at me. I smiled and tried (unsuccessfully, probably) to hide my horrid morning breath. He told me I was beautiful. I think I tried to deny it. My hair was all messy, and my eyes were poofy. It didn't matter. I was so happy to be there with him. I was in heaven to be able to wake up next to him and see him there and know that he's mine - that he stuck with me through all of this, so I'm probably going to have no chance of getting rid of him. He makes me feel all soft and girly inside. He makes me smile.

I think everything might be alright. We'll see.

I fucked up, today. I've done something so ridiculously stupid, I'm at a complete loss. I don't even have an excuse. "I wasn't thinking" doesn't quite cut it, although lately it's an apt description.

I've done something horrible, albeit unintentionally. I've done something that could potentially cost Mike and I both our jobs. I don't want to get into the details of what that is, but it is bad enough to where it could easily get us fired. Right now, fingers are being pointed at him instead of me, and that makes it all the more worse.

He came home from his lunch break today and came into his bedroom extremely upset. He started yelling at me, waking me up. I suppose it wasn't so much yelling - he doesn't really do that - but it was just in that kind of tone of voice. I was still in that haze of sleep where nothing quite makes sense, all I knew was that he was angry and it made me want to curl up and die. Gradually, I started to wake up, and what he was telling me was starting to fit together in my mind. I didn't know what to say. I think I started to have a panic attack. I've never really felt anything like that, before. I noticed that I had stopped breathing, and my entire torso and arms had gone numb and tingly. After a minute or two of this, I forced myself to breathe, even though I didn't want to. Then harsh reality started setting in.

I don't care so much about my job. I care about my paycheck and my resume. ISS is a great thing to have on my resume, and the paycheck is pretty nice, as well. I may not like my job, but I do like the company and the benefits it will have for me in the long term if I stay there. Quite honestly, I hate my job. I'm not doing what I love, and it stresses me out. I'm a UNIX girl, and I'm working in a windows world. It doesn't seem that big of a deal to some, but to me it's huge. I have to have a job that I can enjoy, at least somewhat. I spend enough time at work to where if I don't like my job, I don't like my life. The prospect of me losing my job - that's not what was causing the panic attack.

I've never seen Mike so agitated before. Even yesterday, he wasn't this bad. I'm not privileged to say what happened yesterday, but it was extremely stressful and upsetting to him. I should note that yesterday was in no way related to me. I knew it wasn't my fault yesterday, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I did what I could to make him smile and forget about it, and by the end of the night he seemed a lot happier and relaxed. I was in a horrible mood, and I have been for weeks, but I put that aside because all I wanted to do was make him feel better. My depression was nothing compared to the aggravation he'd been through that day. Today is an entirely different story, however. This is my fault, and it's so much worse than yesterday. The fact that I caused him this much pain, that it really was my fault - I froze up. I panicked. I don't know what to do. There is nothing I can do to fix this situation. There is nothing I can do to make him feel better. I am the source of his anxiety, and it's killing me that I could cause him to feel like that.

Ever since we started dating 6 months ago, our lives have gotten progressively fucked up. Bad things keep happening. He's mostly at fault for the things that happen to him, and I'm definitely at fault for the things that happen to me. I fucked up my apartment situation. I lost my job. I moved in with my dad. I lost another job. I started having severe depression and anxiety problems. And now this?

I broke up with him.

At least, I tried to. I told him I thought it would be a good idea if we didn't see each other anymore. These have got to be the hardest words I have ever said. I can deal with all of the fucked up shit that has happened to me. I can get over it. I can fight my way through it. I may feel like it's impossible sometimes, but I'm no quitter. I know that eventually I can make it through anything. But I can't ask him to do the same. I've finally fucked up enough to where it affected him, and I can't allow that to happen. I love him too much to hurt him like that.

I felt like I was burning up from the inside as I said those words. "I don't think we should see each other anymore." I never thought I'd be saying that. I never thought he'd say it, either. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I love him. For the first time in my life, I can say that and not wonder if it's true. I can watch the sappy chick flicks where the girl gets the guy in the end, and I can not be jealous of what they've got, because I know what I've got with Mike is just as good. It's not perfect; nothing ever is. But it's real, and it's without question. I trust him. I'm a cynical and untrusting person by nature. I've never trusted anyone. He could tell me the sky was purple, and I'd believe him. He's the first person I've ever been entirely honest with, too. Other than all of you, of course. It's easy to tell the truth on a blog. You don't have to look into everyones eyes as you say things. You can just type it up, put it out there, and be done with it. There's no repercussions. I can look into his eyes and tell him all of the things that I am so horribly ashamed of, silly as they may be. He makes me want to be a better person. Not different, just better. Others have tried to get me to help myself when it came to my depression or my back, and I told them to fuck off. Because of him, I'm seeing doctors now. I'm trying to fix it because I know how it affects him to see me upset and in pain. I feel right with him. It feels like something that has always been missing is there now. I would do anything, give up anything - for him. I took down freebsdgirl's main site for him. That right there says a lot. I have never compromised myself like that. Never. Up until this point, I've seen myself spending forever with him. I know it's too soon to be saying that. Maybe I'm just a stupid girl, but I never saw what we had as ending. My feelings for him were just too certain for that. I was too comfortable in love. I let my guard down. I stopped being scared.

I haven't so much as told him all of this. He knows that I love him. I know he loves me. It's not that I don't want him to know these things. I don't think they would necessarily scare him. I'm not so good with words when it comes to expressing my feelings (outside of a blog, that is). Well, maybe I am scared, just a little bit. Not of what he would say, but scared of acknowledging them out loud, myself. I didn't think it was possible to have these feelings for someone. I definitely didn't think it was possible to love someone so much and find out that they loved me, as well.

Do you see why I tried to break up with him?

I don't want to hurt him. I would kill myself before I would hurt him. He means the world to me. I felt like something died inside as I made the decision to say those words to him. Something deep down was screaming "No! Don't let me do this! Fight for me! Fight for us!", but I ignored it.

I feel like I've thrown away something beautiful.

I gave in at the end. I told him I'd pick him up from work. I don't want to break up with him, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to fuck up his life. I want him to live happily ever after - even if it's not with me. As I typed that, that same little voice started screaming "Bullshit!", but I don't think it is. I love him enough to give him up.

Panic. Hurt. Anger. Hate. I feel like I'm dying. Maybe I am.

Friday

After managing to pry my eyes open just enough to drive from work to Mike's house, he drove me to my appointment with my Doctor over in Duluth. My faithful readers have probably noticed I haven't been myself lately. I'm a bundle of stress and nerves. I thought I was going through menopause early. I knew I wasn't pregnant, no questions there. I've probably ejected at least 8 gallons of snot in the past week. I've been coughing up pieces of lung. Isn't that a lovely thought? Pieces of lung. Kind of like a Jewel song. Anyways, I wasn't feeling that great. Oh, and my back had been hurting, as usual.

I got to the doctors at around 10AM, and the nurse asks me what is wrong. 10 minutes and 3 legal pads later, she goes to get the doctor. He told me my job was killing me. Gee, like I didn't know that already. What am I supposed to do about it? I need this job. It's ISS. It's not like I'm going to leave. They could strip me naked, duct-tape me to the wall and throw rotten vegetables at me and I'd stay so long as I had a paycheck coming in and I could put it on my resume. The doc also said i was depressed and needed to see a psychologist. Fun. Well, maybe I can go get my little adderall problem taken care of as well. Doc also referred me to a physical therapist that might be able to help with my back.

I called up Chad just to give him the heads up on what's going on. Despite the fact that we're getting divorced, I keep him up to speed on everything important that is happening in my life. I was rather surprised at his reaction.

Me - My doctor told me that I'm depressed, so I'm going on zoloft and going to see a shrink. Seems like a good idea, considering the past week.
Chad - Wow, what did Mike do to you? I've been trying to get you to get some help for years but you never would. He must be special.
(awkward silence)

After the doctors appointment, I was going to catch a few hours of sleep after Mike dropped me off back at his place, but it didn't quite happen. I drove home with good intentions - I wanted to clean my room and do some laundry; both activities I've put off for far too long. I forgot what I did when I got home. I think I stared vacantly at the laptop. Maybe I read a book and ate a burrito. I lose track of time pretty easily.

At 6 PM, Chad showed up with Nathan. It's not my weekend to take Nathan, but my dad likes to take him every Friday night - total added benefit of staying home. Nathan was thrilled to see RJ and me, and he would not shut up about Mike or the snakes, much to my dismay. I looked at Chad to see how he was taking it, but he was laughing. He's usually not too good at hiding his emotions, so I hope he's getting as comfortable with the idea of Mike as he seems to be.

7 PM rolled around and I was about to walk out the door, but Nathan started throwing a fit. "I want to see Mike!", "I want to see the snakes!", etc. Mike and I were supposed to be going out to see Spider Man 2 together up on his side of town. I ended up giving a call to Mike to get him to come down to Fayetteville so I could hang out with Nathan until he went to sleep. Luckily, Mike had no objections. I don't think I give him enough credit, sometimes. Adjusting to me having a kid has to be a big thing for him. He's done amazingly well. I'm proud of him.

While Mike was driving from Roswell to Fayetteville - a considerable drive, about an hour during average traffic - I went to the theatre and picked up tickets. I wore my black and pink raverkid pants, which got us student priced tickets! woohoo! Word to looking young. I drove home, changed into normal clothes, and played with Nathan until Mike got there.

Spider Man 2 was awesome. I'd even say it was better than the first one. The end of the train scene was so sweet; it added something to the character development and social conscious behind the crowd that the first movie really didn't touch down on all that much. I was pretty happy with the ending to this one, too, although I didn't like the way they led into the next spider man movie. Isn't 2 movies enough? So typical of hollywood, let's beat the bush until it's dead. Or something.

Instead of driving up to Roswell, we stuck around Fayetteville and slept at my Dad's. There are few things in life that make me as happy as going to sleep while being held by Mike. For the first time, just for that instant, I feel content. :)

Saturday

I vaguely remember Mike leaving. I was very tired, as I hadn't had any sleep for about 36 hours previous to that night. After about an hour or two, I drove up to Mike's and we spent the day preparing for the party on Sunday. We went to Olive Garden (yum!) and to the liquor store (also yum!), and then I suggested we go to the Derby. I'm really starting to dig that place. It's not too crowded, and they aren't stingy with their vodka. I got a little drunk there, then we made our way back home where we participated in (*ahem*) other activities. We probably went to sleep around 3 AM or so. The day was a lot longer than I make it sound like here. I was hella tired.

Sunday

I think we actually made it out of bed around 1 PM. We were due to be at the baseball game by then - Braves vs. Red Sox - so we gave our friends a call and made our way up to the game. I'd never been to a baseball game before, but my mom had warned me they were boring. I was feeling a bit apprehensive - bright sun, hot day, potential boredom - but when I got there I had a lot of fun. After the first 20 minutes or so, we had a short rain break, but then they took the field. The last inning or two, we had awesome seats. 3 rows from the field, just above the Braves! I loved it. It's totally different from watching it on TV. It's so easy to get caught up in the emotions of the crowd.

On our way out of the stadium, I started feeling pretty sick. Too much sun, I think. The sun and I just don't get along. I was hella dehydrated, but we made our way back to my truck and then stopped by Mike's house for a few minutes before meeting back up with his friends and starting on the long drive to Athens.

I don't really remember the drive to Athens. I'm not sure if I slept or if I was stoned. Regardless, it went by pretty quickly. Oh yeah, I think I gave Mike road-head. I know I did at some point that day. Eh, it's a way to pass the time. :)

The party in Athens was a lot smaller than I expected it to be. I didn't know many of the people there, so although I wasn't uncomfortable, I just didn't have much to say. I started drinking, and the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur. I remember praying that my klutzy boyfriend didn't blow off one of his fingers, as he was a bit tipsy as well. It's so fabulously American. Get drunk and blow shit up.

I got a lot more trashed than I realized. I don't remember all of that night. I've been told I kept asking where my shoes were (I was wearing my favorite black strappy heels), I remember being incredibly horny but I couldn't do anything about it because we were stuck at that damn party and Mike was too busy blowing shit up in the middle of the street. I fell asleep on someone's couch, I think. I didn't throw up! Kudos for me on that one. We hung out at someone's house for quite a while until Mike was sober, then he helped me out to the truck where I almost immediately passed out - after whining to him about my shoes and the bumps in the road. Oh yeah, and the red lights. I hated all of the red lights. When we got back to his house, I nearly fell out of the truck. I think he caught me. Then I walked - unassisted - into the house, announced to everyone that I wanted some Chicken ramen, and passed out before Mike could finish making it.

I love Mike. Isn't that sweet? Making his obnoxiously drunk girlfriend chicken ramen. Awww. :)

They said I was depressed.

They put me on Zoloft.

Anti-Depressants are so 1998.

From: garrett Subject: flowers

You're too hardcore for flowers. Really. I wouldn't buy you flowers either, and
+I wouldn't buy any girl flowers ; I don't like doing that.

I AM NOT.

I want flowers sooo much. No guy has ever gotten me flowers. EVAR. I code, I slouch, I even banter like I was one of the guys - but I cannot stress enough that I am not one of the guys. I am a girl. I like flowers. I like glitter. I like shiny things. I like things that smell nice. I like shopping. I like having things bought for me. I like it when guys open doors for me. I like it when my boyfriend tells me that I look good, even though that's a compliment I accept from no one from him because maybe deep down, I think he's demented and it's bullshit.

Regardless...

I am not too hardcore for flowers. :(

I'm in a decidedly less depressed mood, now. The night before last must have been hell for Mike. I cried most of the night and didn't want to get up from the bed. I'm not sure what came over me. Maybe that is what a nervous breakdown is. I just couldn't face the world. I somehow made it to work, but I was feeling like crap, so I stayed until 1:30AM. At that point, my eyes stopped focusing entirely, so I had Ian drive me to Mike's. It's only 10 minutes away, so it wasn't that much of an inconvenience. I snuck into Mike's room, got undressed, and crawled into bed. I didn't remove myself from the bed until about 1 PM, when Mike came to pick me up so I could go get my truck.

Getting all of that sleep really helped. After that, I went home and took an hour long bath, escaped the house before my father returned home, and made my truck payment ($425, yeesh). Mike and I were going to go see Spiderman 2, but it was sold out until the 10PM show, and I had to work tonight. Instead we went to Barnes & Nobles where he bought me an Elvis CD. My boyfriend totally rocks. I love him so much, I could burst. It's the kind of love that makes me want to be a better person for him. I think that's healthy. Do you think that's healthy? It's not like I really want to change who I am, but just improve upon what I've already got. Hmm.

After Barnes & Nobles, we went to some BBQ Steakhouse, although I stuck to grilled salmon. Yes, I'm sure you're really concerned about what I had to eat tonight. Ok, I'll skip ahead. After dinner, we went back to his house and had Great Sex (tm), then I bitched at him for not being more into post-coital snuggles. As a female, I am entitled to demand post-coital snuggles. So what does he do? Smacks my butt and tickles me.

I am not a squeaky toy.