Intarweb superstar, that is what you are
preachin' on your site, lookin' for a fight
run away with me, to efnet irc
we privmsg each other, uh-huh
and join one channel or another, uh-huh
June 2004 Archives
I'm hard core.
I've made it through another day, but it's a hollow victory.
I hate being a female. I hate everything about my gender. I try so hard to not let myself fall into the trappings of the typical female, but I've been failing. I know that I'm unreasonable. I know that I'm generally inconsolable. Does this make any difference? Can I change these things? No. Believe me, I've tried.
I've been avoiding Mike's calls all day. I love him, and I would give anything to be in his arms at this very moment, but I also just want him to leave me alone. I want everything to go away. I want to be able to wallow in my despair without having to be concerned about how it affects him. I don't want to have to defend my tears to him. I don't want to have to hide my pain, because I know he can't deal with it. I hate having to answer "I don't know" when he asks me what's wrong. I don't want to think about what's wrong, I just want to acknowledge that something is wrong, and leave it at that. I don't want to have to make sense of everything. Not everything is logical and happy and shiny. The world is not full of smiles and giggles, except to those that are oblivious.
I'm happiest when I'm running. I wish I could run, but I've put myself in a position to where I have to be responsible for not only myself, but others as well. I feel trapped. I just want to thrash. I want to curl up in a ball and refuse to acknowledge the rest of the world.
Sometimes, when things get bad, I stop. I ignore everyone around me and pretend that I'm all by myself; the world doesn't exist. I close my eyes and listen to myself take a breath. It reminds me that I'm still alive and sane.
It's been a long week. I know I haven't updated that much lately, and I apologize. I keep bringing up my blog interface to add an entry, but then things fade to gray and I can't put my thoughts into words. I like that phrase 'fade to gray'. It makes everything sound fuzzy and vague and comfortable, when generally the circumstances call for the exact opposite.
This is the third weekend that I have spent with Mike. We spent most of our time at home with Nathan, crashed out on the couch and watching TV. The downtime was needed, but I feel that it wasn't enough. I need a real vacation. I need to go to neutral ground, far away from here. I'm stressed out. I hate this place. I would be anywhere but this place. I keep telling myself that I am doing the responsible thing - living with my father until my debts are paid - but the hole feels like it keeps getting deeper, and the end of my stay here looks farther and farther away. I hate my father. I really do. He is the type of person that I will cross the street to avoid. He is my father, though, and he means well in trying to help me. I've just got to grit my teeth and pretend I'm in a better place. If all goes as planned, I'll be out of here in September regardless of debt.
I came to the realization that I hate my job. Don't get me wrong; ISS is a great company. They have awesome benefits, and I genuinely like the people I work with. I'm a UNIX girl though. All of this Windows stuff is stressing me out. I don't know how to use Windows. I have no desire to learn how to use Windows. I belong in a UNIX systems administrator or developer position. I've been proud of my resume up until this point. Rarely have I stayed at a job for less than 2 years. I think I'm going to try to wait it out until I have just enough time at ISS to have it as an asset on my resume instead of a liability. Grit my teeth and bear it, once again. For the first time in my career, I hate computers. That's what this job has done to me. When I look around to see what my other options are, though, the choices are few and far between.
Someone once told me that I'd become a good writer. The blog helps, I suppose. I've been writing for a blog for years now. I guess I can tell a story as well as the next person. Maybe I should just hop on the ol' writer bandwagon? I'm no Anne Rice, nor will I ever be. I've been reading all of these girl-books lately, like "Good In Bed" and "In Her Shoes". Surely it can't be that hard to pop out a book that ends up on display at your local Barnes & Nobles.
I read before that to become a good writer, you have to write about what you know. I've been trying to figure out what I know all day, and I'm coming up with a blank. Surely I'm not that uneducated or inexperienced. I don't really know how to hate, although I can dislike with a passion. Because of Mike, I know what love is. I know what sacrifice is because of Nathan and RJ. I know what fear is because I came close to losing someone important to me, once. I know all about anger. I'm the anger master. I probably know more about being lonely than anyone else will ever realize. Most of all, I'm uncertain - about myself, about the future, about everything. How can I write about anything if I can't even figure myself out? How can I create a fictional character if it feels like everything about me is just a piece of fiction, too?
My life is a disaster. I wish someone would ride in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet. Take me away from this place. Let me start over somewhere new. Save me. I just want to be happy.
sigh.
Normally I'm really good about keeping my servers updated. I have scripts set up to cvsup the src & ports tree nightly, and email me when there's any changes I'd care about. Lately I've been kind of lax, so I finally got around to patching freebsdgirl.
FreeBSD smut.codersluts.net 5.1-RELEASE-p17 FreeBSD 5.1-RELEASE-p17 #2: Tue May 25 01:14:30 CDT 2004 root@smut.codersluts.net:/usr/obj/usr/src/sys/GENERIC i386
Two problems thus far.
#1.) PHP stopped working. I actually had to recompile it, because it kept making apache sig11.
#2.) screen is fucked. I'm not sure why. I tried recompiling it, but to no avail. It's slower than a kid in #linuxhelp.
I refuse to update to 5.2.1. I like pain, but not that much.
23:03.sektie: knuckles: i've slept 6 hours this weekend, done way too many drugs, not gotten laid because of stupid girlproblems, dealt with PMS, gone to church for fathers day when i am a devout athiest, and then come in to work an hour early to talk to my boss when he's NOT FUCKING HERE. 23:03.knuckles_: but when i try to run it it wont show me any graphics 23:03.sektie: fix your own goddamn problem 23:03.sektie: because mine are WORSE. 23:03.sektie: and at least you can look in a handbook for your answers.
I've been on a self-destructive streak, lately. At no point in my life have I ever been this bad. I'm not sure what is going on. Things could be so perfect if I'd just go with it, you know? I need to make some serious changes, or things are going to get bad quick. I wish I knew what those changes were.
I need a magic fairy wand to make all of the bad things go away.
I got a gmail account. Yay, seisan! Thanks for the invite, dear. It's still a little buggy, so I haven't used it that much yet. Anything google sticks their name on seems to have instant fame, at least in geekworld. They're a search engine. What's the big deal?
OMG THEY USE AN OPEN SORES OPERATING SYSTEM. MY GEEKPENIS IS HARD. PLZ. PLZ.
Today while I was getting gas for my car, I got hit on by some skeezy bling bling guy. I was neither impressed nor thrilled by this in the slightest. I walked into the gas station barefoot and went to go stand in line to get a Frosty, because there was a Wendys inside the gas station. While I was standing there, I noticed this guy in the corner was staring at me, so I did my best to ignore him. I was in a hurry to get out of there as I wasn't in the best part of town, my iPod was sitting in the front seat of my truck, and I thought I had maybe left the door unlocked. As I was standing there silently cursing the fast food gods that killed the frosty machine the previous day, the guy walked up to me and was like "hey". Despite his smell (think Dollar General cologne mixed with sweat and motor oil), I looked at him, raised an eyebrow, said "hi, what's up?". He said "I like your feet." and walked away.
wtf.
I like your feet?
Who the fuck walks up to someone and says "I like your feet"? Freak.
On a totally unrelated note, I have handprints on my ass. Yes. I finally got the violence I've been wanting. At least, a little. Mike rocks. :)
Tiesto is in town tonight, and I'm stuck at work. boohoo.
news that matters to people who don't.
At 8 AM, In a little over 4.5 hours, I get to leave here. I get to walk out of the building, get in my truck, drive about 8 miles up GA-400, and go to Mike's house. Then I get to walk in, close the door, go to his room, and then crawl into bed beside him.
This is what keeps me smiling. The thought of that. :)
I am refreshed. This is generally the point of night where I am at my most tired, but I got a few hours of sleep before coming in to work today. Last night was a funeral and sushi, doesn't that sound like a fab evening? I went shopping, and I must say, I did look entirely acceptable. I got a dress from Hot Topic that isn't nearly as horridly mainstream goth as it sounds. It was black and the chemise was tight as hell, so much so that I had problems breathing, but it helped me suck in my gut and the skirt was really long and had purple tulle underneath it. Mike seemed to like it, but with him it's kind of hard to tell. He's usually talking to my chest anyways, so there was no marked difference. We went out for sushi with Jason, his roommate. I'm really starting to like Jason a lot. At first I thought he didn't really like me much, and that's understandable. After all, I take up a lot of Mike's time and Mike is his best friend. We've been talking about Jason moving in with us though when we move in together in February, and I really like that idea. That kid is a trip.
I got new Etines today. Dark grey with pink detailing. So cute! :)
Right now I want nothing more than to go home and curl up in Mike's arms. I miss sleeping next to him. It always makes me smile when I wake up and he's the first thing I see - until I realize I have dragon breath and I run to the bathroom to get rid of it. Bah.
Had some Really Good Sex earlier tonight. Heh. Yeah, I'm pretty happy right now.
Hm, and on that note, time to do some work. I have some stuff I need to update, so ciao for now.
bored and rolling, what could be worse? bored and not rolling, i suppose. Took a roll tonight, eventually Mike took one as well, but it fucked up his stomache pretty bad so he's sleeping in my bed right now. I'm outside on the back porch with the laptop blaring Bjork. I fucking love Bjork. IRC is dead, furthering my dillemma.
Bukakke.
Normally, I shy away from talking about work. But this is too funny to resist.
So this guy from work comes over to my area, and he's talking to us about different Georgia laws. He brings up how the law on sodomy was recently struck down, and although I had been sitting there quietly talking on IRC up until that point, I mentioned how Roe v. Wade was also being struck down. So he goes into his little pro-life speech, etc. I brought up my standard arguements against pro-life, stating I'd gone through 3 years of back problems because of my kid, no one should be able to make decisions like that for other people, etc. Eventually he backed down, saying "I came here to work, not talk about abortion." Then he ran away to his cube. Yeah, take that, bitch.
He's the one that started it. I just mentioned the court ruling, not my views until he started in talking about how women shouldn't have rights. It's kind of funny to see someone as outspoken as him run away from an arguement. I'm sorry, did my aggression take you by surprise? :)
*snicker*
It's been a long day.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Heh.
Mike is going to take me to see Britney Spears when she comes to Atlanta in July.
Now that's love.
I took freebsdgirl.com offline a few days ago. I'm not sure why I'm updating now, other than it's a habit I haven't yet broken myself of. Maybe at some point I'll be able to put the site back online, but I don't hold out much hope for it. Kids will always be kids, and I'm in love with Mike. It was a big deal for me to take the site down, because I generally don't give in to pressure. Ever. I don't bend. In the 7 years I've been on IRC, not once have I ever backed down on my beliefs or been pressured into doing something I really didn't want to do. It's funny the things people will do for love.
Late Friday night (or Saturday morning, depending on how you view it), Mike was sitting on the couch and I was laying down, kind of cuddled up in his lap. We stayed like that for at least an hour, until I fell asleep. I think that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life.
I'm so in love, it's disgusting. Shoot me now, plz.
I keep confusing 'bukakke' and 'ducati' in my mind.
Was talking to some friends, said 'yeah, so I was watching the superspeed bukakke races on SPEED tv today.'
Got some funny looks.
Hm.
It's been an odd weekend. I just woke up after sleeping 20 hours, and Mike gave me a ring. hm. His class ring. That was sort of surprising.
I would kill for a virgin pina colada daqueri right now. Or even a strawberry one. I'm so totally craving a daqueri.
I'm still at Mike's house at the moment. I think I've been here since Friday evening. It's about time to go home and catch a nap before I head back in to work, but I really just don't feel like moving yet. Nughhhh. Getting old. We've decided that we are moving in together. I had figured this out a while back. It just took him a while to figure it out as well. Tsk, guys. Can't wait. :)
He's sitting in the living room watching tv. I'm about to go in there and cuddle with him. I want to go back to sleep.
... and I really wonder why people even bother reading my blog so religiously if they dislike me so much. It's like those fuckers on I-285 that slow down to stare at the shattered glass and smashed cars that have already been pushed over to the side of the road, thus making traffic back up 10 miles so I'm late to work. Not that I have that problem anymore, since I'm working night shift. Er, not that I'm comparing my blog to a car crash. Well, maybe sometimes.
I had sushi for the first time last night. I was sort of surprised because I almost liked it. The taste wasn't bad, but I'm not too fond of the texture. Saki, on the other hand...mmm. (Is that how it's spelled?) I think I'm turning into a lush. It's not like I get drooling-on-myself drunk, or even vomit-over-the-railing-of-american-pie drunk (heh, Matt.). I just get a bit tipsy and leave it at that. My alcohol tolerance sadly does not appear to be increasing. Anyways, benefit to eating sushi is it gives me a chance to practice my Japanese more. Baka!
Tomorrow night we're going to try to organize a card night over at Mike's. The last hour before I went to work tonight, I sat and played blackjack with Mike. It made me miss Vegas terribly. That trip with Alfred rocked. Since going to Vegas isn't really an option right now, I'll settle for just playing blackjack with a few of Mike's friends. I suck at poker. I hope they don't want to play poker. ick.
Michelle's due date is January 1st! yay! I think I'm a lot more excited about it than she is. I told her she'll get a lot more excited when she's further along. Then she'll be able to see more than a bean shaped gooball on the sonegram, and she'll get to start looking at baby clothes and decorating the nursery and such. I'm going to have to fly down there to help her plan, and if she induces I'm going to see if I can get a few days off work to go visit her. I am so happy for her. :)
"What is your purpose?". hehe. Inside joke. I am such a nerd sometimes. I kill myself.
They just gave me my review at work. It lasted 2 hours. Ugh, the stress. Near the end of it I was just crossing my fingers hoping it would be over soon. Being a new employee sucks.
/dev/tcp/host/port is hotness.
<3 bash
