April 2004 Archives

James is going to be in town this weekend. I told him I wanted to see him Saturday. We could go out and get some food or something. Mike has been surprisingly understanding about this. It's just something I need to do, for me. For us, really. I need to see James. I need to verify that it's over, that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I'm nearly certain this is true, but I want to make sure. Mike and I have such a great thing going. It's probably one of the best relationships I've ever been in. He makes me so happy. I don't want to fuck this up, you know? I want to make sure I'm with Mike for all the right reasons.

Maybe it will be possible for James and I to be friends, but I'm not sure how much hope I told out for that. I don't even want to think about what's going to happen if he goes to work for ISS. Everyone is going to go work for ISS. Mike is at his interview there right now. I hope everything goes well for him. I made sure with Angelina that he won't be working the same shift as me. If we do move in together in September - a distinct possibility - I utterly refuse to work with him. We'll be working in the same department, but different shifts. I can deal with that, I suppose. We'll just be seeing each other in the evenings.

After I got out of ISS yesterday after signing all of the paperwork, it was nearly 5 PM. I don't know how much you know about Atlanta traffic, but going from the far North side to the far South side at 5 PM is not a journey anyone would want to take. Mike only lives a few exits up from Barstow, so I went up there for a few hours and played with his dog. Tidus is the cutest dog evar. He's this huge white german shepherd - although he was orange when I saw him. Mike, give your dog a bath! He ended up shedding all over my immaculate black dropflare pants. It was worth it though. Tidus rocks. I had to borrow Mike's pants when I left so I wouldn't get dog fur all over the car. I found it hilarious that I was wearing his pants. I'm not sure why. They kept falling off. I guess we knows who wears teh pants in this relationship, neh?

*snicker*

I'm going to get so beat for that. Bring it, bitch!

I've got Nathan over this weekend as well. Rock. I haven't seen him in almost a week, so I'm missing him a lot right now. He's going to be over later this evening. I'm hoping Mike gets here early enough to see him, because Nathan is always so excited when he sees Mike. When Mike isn't around, Nathan is always asking where he is. I think it's been quite a while since they last saw each other.

Ah well, off to start a new day. I'll be happy when I"m not snotting everything. I need to get up out of bed, get dressed, attempt to move around to get some circulation going, clean my room - clothes everywhere! - do laundry, code, and finish backing up all my important stuff on my laptop so I can reinstall it.

Speaking of which, anyone want to buy a 12" powerbook/640MB RAM/60GB HD/DVD-RW/iSight ?

I'm wearing my Powered by FreeBSD undies today.

Show your support. Hella advocacy. Get a FreeBSD thong today!

Javascript makes me want to stab people.

I totally scrapped PFSI (pretty file server interface, my media server), and I've been working on a new frontend for it. I've been playing with drop down menus using DHTML - which I was disappointed to find out was just a mix of javascript and CSS. I like CSS. CSS makes my life easy. IE's implimentations of CSS does not, but thankfully I have 0 windows boxes on my network so that's not an issue.

Seriously. Microsoft, fix IE. I never ran into any problems with it until I started messing with positioning using CSS2. If it works in Opera/Safari/Mozilla, it should work in IE. I hate you. I hope you die.

MTV Hits has been on my TV for 3 days straight now. My brain is melting. I find it humerous that Sherrod has been talking about MTV as well. I'm really a child of pop culture. Can't you tell?

Speaking of which, Courtney Love is going to be at music midtown on Sunday, and I'm not going. I want to cry. Michelle would kill me. It's Courtney Love. We used to have an obsession with this hooker. It's upsetting that she's finally here and I'm missing it. Even if I had the money, I don't really have any friends that are into her music, and I wouldn't want to go by myself. Maybe next year?

I've got to be up at ISS at around 3 to fill out the paperwork. Mmmm. Employment. I totally forgot that halflife works there. What a fucktard. Hopefully he'll be easier to get along with at work than he is on IRC. With any luck, I won't see him at all.

That's the problem with the industry in Atlanta. It's so inbred, it's absurd. Stick around 4 or 5 years and you know (and have probably worked with) everyone.

I have gone through 2 boxes of tissues in the past week. I have blown at least twice my weight in snot. I HATE PINE TREES.

ISS just gave me the call. It's been confirmed - I work for them now.

Scary.

So many things are going right lately. Out of the 4 major things in my life, 2 are perfect. The other 2 are getting a lot better.

It makes me paranoid.

Size 12 Wedding Dress on EBay. Read the description. Try not to look too hard at the pictures.

wtf.

my seca is broken.

needs new oil rings. needs new starter clutch.

*sob*

I was showing Nathan some of the pictures on the albums page, and when it got to the Valentines Day pics, he started crying and yelling "monster!". Apparently black clothes scare him.

Goths, stay away.

Last night I snuck out on the Seca to the GSB meeting at the Vortex with Mike. God, there was so much bike pr0n around. I saw at least 30 R1's and R6's, mostly with custom paint jobs and work. It was so incredibly hot. I was getting bike overload, so we went over to lil5 pizza and socialized for a bit. The GSB meetup was a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It turns out it happens every Thursday, so I'm probably going to continue going to it.

I got Mike to leave early because after the sugar intake, nicotine, and the bike overload, I felt like I just had to go for a ride. He invited a few people along, and I was cool with that, although a little nervous. I'd never ridden in a group before. I did ok up until Mike sped up going down a road that had a bunch of big curves in it. Then I got hella pissed off, because I was trying to keep up but I can't take curves that fast yet. At that point I wanted to thwack him upside the head for leaving me behind, so when I caught up I told him to slow down through the curves. Then we were fine for a little while, until he passed a car - on double yellows - and left me way behind AGAIN. I know we were with a group, and I know he would have been waiting up at the top of the hill, but that just about did it for me. When I caught up, I screamed at him that he was dead. He couldn't tell what I said, so the person on the bike next to me yelled "She says you're dead!", and I could hear him laughing under his helmet. At this point I was furious, so I did a U-turn and took off in the lead back towards Mike's work. I was in a rage and wasn't even thinking about how I was riding, so I actually did really well taking those turns with speed. I do so much better when I'm not thinking about it.

When we got back, Mike apologized profusely (as he damn well better), and when we walked into SecureWorks, Darious commented that he heard Mike was a "hooligan" or something like that. Uh. That was 10 minutes after I screamed at Mike. Word sure does get around fast.

Anyways, the moral of the story is that if your girlfriend is learning how to ride a motorcycle, don't be a dumbass. Taking off and doing stupid stunts and leaving her behind is not a good idea. Especially not when the girlfriend is me, because I try to keep up even when I know I don't have the ability to, thus nearly getting myself into an accident. I did manage to guilt trip him into taking a second ride that night though, AND giving me a shoulder massage. hehe.

Wish me luck. I have an interview for a job I really want on Monday morning. :)

Having money again will be nice.

Mike and I went to the GA Renaissance Festival yesterday. Yes, that's a corset, and I wore it for quite a while in the blazing hot sun. I'm a little sunburnt now, but it's not so bad. The wrost part was after we ate lunch. I thought I was going to pass out. When wearing a corset, breathing tends to be optional. I'll put up some pics of me in the full gear later.

After we got home fromt he festival, Mike had to run off to work and I crashed for a few hours. I was bloody exhausted. Lack of oxygen + lots of sun = tired sektie. Stupid sun. Hate the sun. After I woke up, I drove up to Mike's work to bring him dinner (because I'm such a fabulous girlfriend, or something. It's not like I want to see him, nope, not at all. I just want to be a good girlfriend. *cough*). He was working by himself, so I stuck around and we watched Runaway Jury together. Good movie, btw. I love Grisham. He's the only author I know whose books translate over to movies so well.

Mike was talking about how he's thinking of switching to T-Mobile and he could get me a phone under his account. That kind of freaked me out a bit. He does so much for me already. It's not like I ask for these things. He offers them. I'm just scared of taking advantage of him, you know? I want to be able to hold myself up without his help. Sigh.

After the movie, it was kind of late - 2 AM'ish - so I drove home. When I got here I ended up laying in bed and talking to Mike and a few other people on IRC/AIM until 6 AM. Here's the confusing, mindfuck part. Mike and I talked on the phone at some point during the night - maybe around 3 or 4 AM. And then he told me he loves me. This isn't like friend-love either. This is the hardcore stuff. He's only told this to one other person before, so I know it's pretty serious.

Apparently my relationship (or lack thereof) with James had fucked me up more than I realized. When Mike told me, I just sat there in silence for a while. All I could really think of to say is "wow". Good things like this aren't supposed to happen to me. I don't know how to deal with them. Before this, it was easy to view the relationship as doomed from the start, and that made it easier for me to deal with. It took 3 months for me to trust that I'd see him again. Before that, every time he walked out the door I told myself he wouldn't be back. I told myself he didn't really care for me, that he was just around me because he pitied me and was sympathetic to my situation. I told myself whatever I could so I could stay somewhat detached from him, and 'us' as it were. But he really does care, and he's not going anywhere, and he loves me.

I'm happy. Fuck, I'm absurdly happy. But even more than that, I'm terrified. I'm just waiting for something to happen that will fuck all of this up. Good things like this just don't happen to me. I've had to try really hard not to cry ever since he told me.

There goes my bitter & cynical approach to life.

Bloody hell.

The last few days I've been stumbling around waiting for the night to come so I can sleep again. Michelle is married. I still can't believe that. I try and be supportive and congratulate her, but I'm upset about it. It's not that the guy she married isn't a good guy - hell, anything is an improvement over that stalker/drug-dealer/psycho Justin.

I just think she's better than this. I honestly believe that if she stays where she is now, she'll never make much of herself. There's not much as far as opportunity goes in Wood River, IL. I don't think she'll ever leave there, though, especially now that she's married. I know she's entertained the possibility of moving before, but she and her husband have roots there. Family, friends. I just hate to see her like this. She's 23 and working at Dominos. She is so much better than this, but she doesn't see it.

What makes all of this that much harder is remembering how she used to encourage me. She was the only person that ever made me feel good about myself. She always thought I was better than I really am. She always told me what a good singer I was, how good of a writer I was, how smart I was. She still tells me these things. I just want to pick her up and shake her and tell her, "Don't you realize? You're all of these things so much more than I am."

Mike was over tonight. We went for a ride on the motorcycles together, and then went out for pizza. I wanted to go out and drink - not that alcohol is all that good of an idea in my current state of mind - but he said he had to go home to do his taxes. I got kind of upset, and upon reflection, it wasn't really at him. I had just planned out this perfect night, and I had put extra effort into getting ready. I had been looking forward to seeing him for the past few days. That disappointment on top of thinking about Michelle and all the other shit that is going on just put me over the edge.

Mike has done so much for me lately, and it really bothers me. I know how to deal with assholes. I don't know how to deal with a quality boyfriend. I hate it when he tells me that I'm beautiful. I never know what to say. "Thanks" just doesn't seem appropriate. I care so much for him, it hurts. I wish he could be an asshole, at least sometimes. Then I wouldn't have to feel so bad about it when I'm a less than perfect girlfriend. ;)

In a single day, Mike has:

1.) Put off doing stuff so we could go for a motorcycle ride together - important stuff that really needed to be done.
2.) Let me borrow an absurd amount of money so I could get my dad off my back about the AAA thing.
3.) Nagged me about how I manage my money (which was really just a display of how much he cares)
4.) Bought me gas for the motorcycle and dinner.
5.) Stuck around way longer than he should have just to make me feel better. He really needed to go home and do his taxes and take care of a bunch of other stuff, and I know staying around as long as he did really fucked up his schedule. I hate it when he tells me not to cry. It feels like something twists inside my chest and it makes me cry more.

Goddamnit, why does my boyfriend have to be such a good guy? Sigh. If everything else in life sucks, at least I have him. He makes me smile. He makes me so much less angry.

People hide behind God because they don't want to admit they are afraid and cannot accept what they do not want to understand. This world makes me sad.

It may not be perfect, but I'm happy anyways.

Sometimes, I just want to twirl.

People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." that's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you. That's Technical Service.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!". That's Spam.

You hear about women like this but never meet one. That's False Advertising.

sick again.

00:25.junyer: wonder if it's the hair colour 00:25.junyer: or maybe whatever makeup 00:25.junyer: for some reason 00:26.junyer: you look hot 00:26.sektie: wow. 00:26.sektie: um, thanks. 00:26.sektie: you've never told me that before. 00:26.junyer: something about the face 00:26.junyer: shrug 00:26.junyer: i'm drunk 00:26.junyer: heh

It's 2 AM, Mike is downstairs with some money that he owes me, so I head down for a smoke break. We're standing outside smoking, and we see a cop car light up behind a truck stopped at a red light. The cop pulls in front of the truck to stop him and pull him over, and the truck just busted ass in reverse, nearly hit Mike's car, and took off down a road that really isn't a good place to go if you're trying to get away. Heh. Well, he's busted. I played GTA3: Vice City today, and the moral of the story is that you shouldn't run from cops unless you're on a little bike that's hella fast.

My new toy.

kiwi love.

Last night I was looking around in the hardware cabinet for a power supply for a server, and I found a bunch of porn DVDs. Weird. At first I thought my boss was just a bit too much into his job, until it was explained to me that they were there for a legit purpose.

Riiiight.

When I got home in the morning, I was utterly exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. The night had actually been somewhat eventful. My laptop power cable broke, too, thus making for a very unhappy sektie. I was freaking out around 1 AM or so, calling Mike - "MY LAPTOP IS BROKEN, FIX IT BOYFRIEND!@#". Dropped by his place only for him to tell me that he couldn't fix it, although I did get to meet his hot bi chick friend while I was there. Went back to work, fixed servers, tried not to fall asleep, finally went home. I made a bunch of doctors appointments (dentist, chiro, ob/gyn), since I now have time to actually go because I'm working nights. Then I laid in bed and watched "From Justin to Kelly" or something like that. You know, that one movie about the idiot girl singer and the idiot guy singer and how they fall tragically in love? It was probably the most wasted 2 hours of my life. Poking myself in the eye with a pencil would have been more enjoyable. Finally, I zonked out about noon - only to have Mike wake me up 4 hours later.

I am so tired.

Help.

I am so tired of being sick. Friday when I came into work, I felt horrible. Pounding head, ears hurt, sniffling, throat was killing me - and it just got worse as the day went on. By the time I left the 2600 meeting, I barely found my way back to my car. I blindly drove to Mike's work and crashed on the couch for a few hours until the pounding in my head slightly subsided. He had to go take care of a few things, so I drove home - kind of. I think I barely managed to stay in my lane most of the way. I was terribly weak, too. I couldn't even hardly open up the car door. It didn't really help that I was wearing shoes that were sort of chunky and thus heavy, so I was speeding most of the way home as well. What a great excuse, had I been pulled over. "I'm sorry, officer, my shoes are heavy and I'm sick."

3 hours of sleep later, Nathan needs supervision. Being awake sucks right now. Tomorrow I'm spending the entire day with Mike, so I just have to keep my mind on that and I think I can make it through today. I just hope I feel better by then.

My hair is gone.

red/aaa

I've decided FreeBSD sucks. I hate the community. I'm going to install windows XP.

Oh, and I have a penis.

Happy 4/1.

I got a call around 9:15 AM from 99x. Yay! Unfortunately it was just to tell me they didn't see my email until they had already picked out someone else, but they wanted to do it next week. I start night shift next week, so I'm not sure how that'd work out. I'm going to ask around and then probably shoot them another email later today. It's pretty cool that they called, anyways.

Last night I dreamed I was driving Chad's Buick to work, but I was running late so I was driving it kind of fast - about 90mph or so. But everyone else kept gaining on me and trying to force me off the road. Eventually the Buick started overheating so I pulled it over to the side of the road and popped the hood. It was so hot that there was lava, and then my cell phone fell in. I started freaking out and kept trying to get my cell phone out.

I am way too attached to my cell phone.