January 2004 Archives

Well, to top off a freakishly sucky day, I did somehow manage to get to work at a reasonable time. yay! I was here before the shift lead was, so at least I have that going for me. I'm tired, the night is going slow, and there's only so many times I can listen to Bjork looping.

IRC is a great place to release angst.

Dad came over to take a look at my car today, but he had no tools. Heh. Well, I guess it's the thought that counts. We still dont' know what the problem is, and chances are it'll be either free or hella expensive to fix. I don't think there's going to be a middle ground there.

I did manage to accomplish a few things today. I set up haircut appointments for both Mike and myself. Mike is going to get highlights. hehehehe. Maybe I can talk him into letting me dye them something neat, like purple? Probably not. I don't really think punkish colors suit him. He's kind of pacsun/alloy (pre2k). The highlights will look nice though. I was thinking maybe chunky streaks, but he has really pretty hair, so maybe something more subtle will suit him better. Ah, well, I'll get him to Evolutions and have Lisa take a look at him to figure out what to do. Previous to that, I called Comcast and ordered cable TV. I already have the internet service (way fast, btw. totally recommend them, if you can get past the horrible customer service).

I hate TV. I really do. I think it's a waste of time and braincells. I mean, I'm not exactly accomplishing anything sitting at home and talking on IRC either, but at least my brain is functioning at some level. I do miss having HBO and MTV2 for background noise though. I ordered the uber-super-mega-cool package with all the channels. And I'm probably only going to watch two. sigh.

I signed up for Netflix today as well. My first movies? Tank Girl, Demolition Man, and Mad Love. Old movies, yes, but some of my favorites. I have Tank Girl and Mad Love on VHS, but I don't have a VCR, and I left them at Chad's anyways. I must pick up the HaXXXor DVD as well. I doubt netflix carries that. ;)

My back has been fantabulous all night. I am very happy about that. It is only like 5:20ish so I shouldn't be speaking so soon, but tonight has been a happy night for me. I wish my freaking work email worked. Sent an email off to MIS telling them 'plz be reseting my password', although not so much in those words.

Mike kind of scares me. He's really social. He knows lots of people. He's like, the grownup version of popular. wtf? It's amusing that James turned out to be useful for something, after all. Hm. Note to self: must pay back James the money I owe him. $200? Something like that.

I absolutely must remember to charge my cell phone battery when I get home. I need to find my digital camera as well, because I want to take pictures this Saturday night. Mike and I are going to some roller skating rink that is going to be playing electronica or something. There was a link to it on lunarmagazine. Finally! An excuse to strap on my Salomons and get my skating on. word. I just hope my back does ok that night. I would be hella pissed if that was another bad back night because then I wouldn't be able to skate and I SO TOTALLY WANT TO SKATE. omg. You really have no idea. Skating is all I've been able to think about lately. Well, when I have time to think about random things.

I need to make a list of all the fucked up things about my life and then go through them very systematically and try to fix them. I think I'm losing sight of the end goal and fucking my priorities up. I did make iCal sync with my phone though. That's step one. Get organized.

I haven't drank any alcohol in like...a long time. 5 days? more? Something crazy. I am starting to feel scatterbrained. I hope I remembered to turn the stovetop off before I left home. I think I did. Shoot.

i'm just busy, really.

car broke down, been hanging out with mike, have killer headache, back has hurt nearly all week. beh.

Specifically, Grady Hospital sucks. Here's my night.

Hung out with Mike a little, then had car problems. Was late to work. Got to work, Adrian called, wanted me to work on stuff. Cool! While I was upstairs getting food, Adrian gave it to Chris. OK, whatever. Back started hurting. Tried to ignore it, worked on CBO queue, watched snitch. Back got worse. Server went down, went out to DC to check on it, talked to Scott. Scott said it was some issue where he needed a boot disk, back was getting really really bad so I started panicing. Told him I'd be right back. Walked into bathroom, splashed some water on to my face, walked back towards DC. Got really dizzy, couldn't breathe, fell over. I think I fainted, but it was kind of weird. I heard everything that was going on around me, it just took a minute for me to respond and make sense. Scott talks about lecturing me on my pills - I think he thought I OD'ed or something? I didn't. This whole fainting thing has happened before when my back got really bad, just not at work. I took two tizandines, but that just makes me tired. Ambulence was called, I went to grady, sat in waiting room for 5 hours during which time my laptop was stolen by some seedy looking guy sitting next to me while I was sleeping. I knew he stole it, but I couldn't prove it. I ended up doing my 'innocent lil white girl crying' act, and he admitted it in a roundabout manner. I ended up giving him $20 and he gave me back my laptop. Fuckhead. After 5 hours, I finally got stuck in a normal doctors room where there was a sign on the wall "do not raise bed. it is broken." Classy digs are these. Doctor comes in, asks me what kind of pills I want.... Um. Yeah. Aren't you the doctor? Shouldn't you be telling me? I ended up getting some Vicodin. Rock. She gave me a referral to their spine clinic, which I needed anyways because otherwise I couldn't go there for insurance reasons. Got back into waiting room, no way to get back to my car. Gave laptopstealing bum my last $20, and there were no ATM's, so a cab was out of the question. Called Chad, no answer. Called Mike, drunk and couldn't drive. Called various other people, no answer. Called Chad, finally got him. It took him about an hour and a half to come get me, but I'm really glad he did. He dropped me off back at my work, and I drove my car home.

I want to curl up in a ball and die.

last night was awesome.

Went shopping at B&N.

The booty:

The Good Vibrations Guide To Sex, by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans
Date Like A Man, by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould
Life's Too Short For Tantric Sex, by Kate Taylor
How To Be A Sex Goddess, by Sarah Tomczak
Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man, by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman
The Devil Wears Prada, by Lauren Weisberger

gcc -twolevel_namespace -multiply_defined suppress -multiply_defined_unused suppress -dynamiclib -undefined dynamic_lookup -o .libs/libgtk-x11-1.3.15.0.0.dylib gtkaccelgroup.lo gtkaccelmap.lo gtkaccellabel.lo gtkaccessible.lo gtkadjustment.lo gtkalignment.lo gtkarrow.lo gtkaspectframe.lo gtkbin.lo gtkbindings.lo gtkbbox.lo gtkbox.lo gtkbutton.lo gtkcalendar.lo gtkcellrenderer.lo gtkcelleditable.lo gtkcellrenderertext.lo gtkcellrenderertoggle.lo gtkcellrendererpixbuf.lo gtkcheckbutton.lo gtkcheckmenuitem.lo gtkseparatormenuitem.lo gtkclipboard.lo gtkclist.lo gtkcolorsel.lo gtkcolorseldialog.lo gtkcombo.lo gtkcontainer.lo gtkctree.lo gtkcurve.lo gtkdialog.lo gtkdnd.lo gtkdrawingarea.lo gtkeditable.lo gtkentry.lo gtkeventbox.lo gtkfilesel.lo gtkfixed.lo gtkfontsel.lo gtkframe.lo gtkgamma.lo gtkgc.lo gtkhandlebox.lo gtkhbbox.lo gtkhbox.lo gtkhpaned.lo gtkhruler.lo gtkhscale.lo gtkhscrollbar.lo gtkhseparator.lo gtkhsv.lo gtkiconfactory.lo gtkimage.lo gtkimagemenuitem.lo gtkimcontext.lo gtkimcontextsimple.lo gtkimmodule.lo gtkimmulticontext.lo gtkinputdialog.lo gtkinvisible.lo gtkitem.lo gtkitemfactory.lo gtkkeyhash.lo gtklabel.lo gtklayout.lo gtklist.lo gtklistitem.lo gtkliststore.lo gtkmain.lo gtkmarshalers.lo gtkmarshal.lo gtkmenu.lo gtkmenubar.lo gtkmenuitem.lo gtkmenushell.lo gtkmessagedialog.lo gtkmisc.lo gtknotebook.lo gtkobject.lo gtkoldeditable.lo gtkoptionmenu.lo gtkpaned.lo gtkpixmap.lo gtkpreview.lo gtkprogress.lo gtkprogressbar.lo gtkradiobutton.lo gtkradiomenuitem.lo gtkrange.lo gtkrbtree.lo gtkrc.lo gtkruler.lo gtkscale.lo gtkscrollbar.lo gtkscrolledwindow.lo gtkselection.lo gtkseparator.lo gtksettings.lo gtksignal.lo gtksizegroup.lo gtkspinbutton.lo gtkstock.lo gtkstyle.lo gtkstatusbar.lo gtktable.lo gtktearoffmenuitem.lo gtktext.lo gtktextbtree.lo gtktextbuffer.lo gtktextchild.lo gtktextdisplay.lo gtktextiter.lo gtktextlayout.lo gtktextmark.lo gtktextsegment.lo gtktexttag.lo gtktexttagtable.lo gtktexttypes.lo gtktextutil.lo gtktextview.lo gtkthemes.lo gtktipsquery.lo gtktogglebutton.lo gtktoolbar.lo gtktooltips.lo gtktree.lo gtktreeitem.lo gtktreedatalist.lo gtktreednd.lo gtktreemodel.lo gtktreemodelsort.lo gtktreeselection.lo gtktreesortable.lo gtktreestore.lo gtktreeview.lo gtktreeviewcolumn.lo gtktypeutils.lo gtkvbbox.lo gtkvbox.lo gtkviewport.lo gtkvpaned.lo gtkvruler.lo gtkvscale.lo gtkvscrollbar.lo gtkvseparator.lo gtkwidget.lo gtkwindow.lo gtkwindow-decorate.lo fnmatch.lo gtkplug.lo gtksocket.lo -L/usr/src/gtk+-1.3.15/gdk-pixbuf/.libs -L/usr/lib -L/usr/local/lib -L../gdk-pixbuf/.libs -lgdk_pixbuf-1.3 -L../gdk/.libs -lgdk-x11-1.3 -lpangox-1.0 -lpango-1.0 -latk-1.0 -lgobject-1.3 -lgmodule-1.3 -lglib-1.3 -liconv -lintl -lm -lintl -lc -install_name /usr/local/lib/libgtk-x11-1.3.15.dylib /usr/bin/ld: warning multiple definitions of symbol _GTK_TYPE_ACCEL_FLAGS gtkaccelgroup.lo definition of _GTK_TYPE_ACCEL_FLAGS in section (__DATA,__common) gtkaccelmap.lo definition of _GTK_TYPE_ACCEL_FLAGS in section (__DATA,__common)

(and so on and so forth, about 500 pages of multiple definitions)

then:

/usr/bin/ld: gtkplug.lo illegal reference to symbol: _XChangeProperty defined in indirectly referenced dynamic library /usr/X11R6/lib/libX11.6.dylib

wtf?

I'm copying this out of my LJ (yes, I do keep an LJ, but it's friends only) because it was just too funny to not let others read as well.

Ok, so here's my night. I went over to Adams and brought him eyecandy (my fileserver) so he could get some stuff off of it, and he needed one of the hard-drives. I got over there, something had happened with a money order, and he was kind of upset as was his roommate whose money it was. He didn't think he wanted to go out, but I talked him into it. He agreed it would probably be better to get out of there anyways with his roommate being in the mood she was in.

So we go out to the Chamber, have a few drinks, and watch the show. Some guy that looked kind of like Jesus was raised up on some hooks. I've seen pictures of this before, but I've never seen it happen in person. I thought I would be grossed out. Instead, as I was watching it, it totally made me hot. Oh my god, I must do that. I am too wuss to do it now, but I know I'm going to do it soon. I have to. I am determined to do this. It looks like such a high. I want to fly like that. He stayed up on the hooks for at least 20 minutes, thrashing in mid air. Oh my god. I want.

Adam was getting kind of bored and wanted to go, but I was having fun listening to the music and drinking my vodka, so we hung out a bit longer. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to dance. It is never a good idea to dance in those boots. As I was out there getting down to Stereo MC's connected, I realized you can take the kid out of the rave, but you can't take the rave out of the kid. I cannot dance in any way but like that of a raverkid. And it was drunken raverkid, too. That was fun. I got hit on by some chick I was talking to, but she was there with her girlfriend, who saw us talking and dragged her off. After the drunken dancing, I went back to find my date, and he was like "ok, let's leave". So we did.

I drove back to his place because he was a bit too fucked up to drive. I think I was too, but I didn't damage anything, so I am happy about that. I didn't really want to go back to his place, I wanted to stay out drinking, but I didn't want to stay out by myself, so I went in. I was too drunk to drive all the way back to Stockbridge, and I didn't really want to go home anyways. He passed out almost immediately, and I was like what the fuck. Blah. I figured, "fuck it", and passed out too.

I woke up to see his roommate on top of him. I just kind of sat there for a minute, thinking "ummm....what is the proper response in this situation?" So I got up, got dressed, got all of my stuff together, and left. I had to keep trying not to giggle. The situation was just that absurd. And then I had to come back in and ask him where my hat and cloves were, because he had both of them last night. hahaha. omg. This is so not the way I saw my new year starting out. Oh well, marking that one off of the list of potentials. :)

Once I got in my car, I broke down laughing. I put on some Marilyn Manson and drove home. On my way home, I just had this inexplicable sense of euphoria that wouldn't go away, and I started thinking. Usually not the best sign in the world, but I'm still happy so I guess everything turned out Ok.

Driving home to the house of insults, the house built on lies of a person that never existed, and I was still happy. I don't know what it is - the new year, walking out of such an absurd situation laughing, getting over the stupid boy, getting divorced - but I am happy. This is going to sound like some hippy new age bullshit, but I think I've finally found me. I am me, again, and I've never noticed the burden, but I felt it leave this morning.

I am so happy, I feel like crying. I feel like breaking shit.

Alfred gave me this great word yesterday. Thrash. If I ever write a book about my life, that's going to be the title. I feel like trashing. I feel like setting the house on fire. I feel like throwing myself against the wall repeatedly. I feel like being violent, and it's a good feeling. There's so much energy behind it.

I don't have to live in the house of lies. I don't have to pretend I'm something I'm not. I've been doing that for 5 bloody years now. I don't have to make them understand. I don't have to explain myself at all. I don't have to validate my life choices to them. They aren't a part of me anymore, just a part of my past.

fuck.

I love my life.